Of Swishy Skirts and Slip-on Shoes

Each rise and drop has been wilder than the last.

It's the beginning of June, and I feel like I've been put through the wringer, squeezed and stretched out, over and over again. There were a few things that I was quite convinced would happen this year, but in the past five months - particularly in the past four weeks - I have come to realise afresh that I really don't understand many things that I had thought I did.

March saw the beginning of a once-weekly training for potentially stepping up in leadership a bit more. It ran for eight weeks, and that is now done! [I graduated yay~]

May kicked in with the four-day internship programme and we are now just done with Week Four. The intensity in which I am understanding the weight of the "Yes" is no joke.

Having said that, I am beyond grateful to be able to take time to just sit and learn and hear from the hearts of the leaders in the house. If there is one consistent thing I have noticed about every leader who has come to share on any given topic, it is that they carry such a zeal and conviction for what they speak on. All of them carry something in common that they repeat over and over again as they teach - that they love Jesus. It's said in a reverence and with an earnestness, with a depth that gets deeper in their expression and living out of what the Lord has planted in them. It has really challenged me in my desire to discover the depth of the passions He's put in me from the time He formed me.

(Just taking a moment here to be in awe at how He intentionally created this little human who He decided is worthy for Him to make in His own image.)

Desires. *sighs*

The week before the programme started, I was pretty tightly wound. I was stressing over the speculation of how I would be able to cope with the lessons and responses that would be required, with my regular workload to be completed in one third the usual time, and with balancing meetings and events and ministry. A 'pretty bad state' would be an apt description.

God - in His kindness and gentleness and mercy, and in His knowing me better than I know myself - bapped me on the head and told me to stop stressing over speculation. This little human heard, but as with most things, it took a while to understand what that meant specifically in this context.

In the first two weeks of the internship, there was a very real wrestle with the Mary and Martha - emails were coming in, WhatsApp messages were coming in, everyone needed something urgent that was due yesterday. The sledgehammer of the fact that I am pretty much a one-person department who deals with various other departments hit me full-force.

Reminders of "Just tahan first ok?" said over the past one year came back with me mentally throwing back "Tahan till when?" - and then the reminder of the one character that the Lord spoke of through my parents and mentors when I came full-time followed. "Meekness."

Rest and peace came as I chose to posture myself in everything I have. My attention, my heart, my hands. It was then that God began to speak and break things down, showing me that I really didn't understand what I thought was my calling. And I won't understand it at this point - I will only have the clues that He gives me in terms of my heart-wiring and serving, in terms of my ministry and interactions, and in terms of the relationships I have with those around me.

Major processing, redefining, and refining is happening, but there has been a peacefulness in understanding that I really don't understand many things. It's been a journey of retracing my steps, being more intentional about zooming in on different parts of my journey thus far, including my love for a specific land and people and the heritage I claim just by having walked through a significant part of my life there. I've been at my parents' hearts a bit more about what the Lord has spoken to them about life and ministry too. There are tiny little things and loves that I've missed in the 'growing up' and 'adulting', and this time has been so, so refreshing as the Lord invites me to take a closer look at things and stuff.

One of the visible restructuring things that has happened in the past month is a 180 degree wardrobe revamp because of a dress code that we have for the internship programme. I'm usually in my default black t-shirt and jeans or palazzo pants and black sneakers because of the mobility requirement that comes with my role, but for the past month, there is a no t-shirt and no jeans policy. It's been a month of donning dresses (a couple of them have swishy skirts that make me feel like I'm on the set of 'Funny Face') and slip-on shoes (they are still Skechers though, but have a slight wedge), which I was not super keen on at the beginning, but am coming to quite enjoy.

So the question that the Lord asked me on December 18th, 2021 returns.

"For all your desires left unfulfilled, will you bring them to Me and let Me put My dreams upon your heart?"

The subject of dreams and paying attention to my dreams have been coming up quite frequently of late. I don't consider myself to be a dreamer. I don't have vivid dreams other than the two brief ones I had where the Lord spoke so clearly regarding my one relationship back in April 2020 that led to me choosing Him and snowballed into my coming onboard full-time ministry.

I chose Him then, and I am still choosing Him now.

I'm His daughter. He knows me better than I know myself. When I said yes to Him writing my life story and my love story, I meant it. Even so, I often get excited and try to run ahead of Him to explore - that's just the reality of my feels and emotions, but He is such a gentleman and waits. So He knows, and I have no doubt that the story He's writing will appeal to all of how He made me to be. I did pour my heart out about a week and a half ago in a letter to Him and was very honest about where I find myself at this point. I'm pretty sure He read the letter and grinned and looked just ahead to where I couldn't see, and then back again at me and winked.

And so that leaves me sitting at His feet, tinkering on the keys in C (or D or G...maaaaaybe A) and singing to Him. In a dress with a swishy skirt. Probably barefooted though.

I leave you with this heart response.

Grace and Peace

I am thankful that the Lord is my constant.

Things add up and pile on and get to me. Just before my brain goes into overdrive, it kicks into survival mode. I often don't realise how stressed I am...until something major happens to my health. Before this when I was in MG, it was about six weeks in when I came down with a high fever, and then that morphed into losing my voice for a bit, a horrible cough, and being really winded every few steps I took. It took about three weeks to recover from there.

This time, also around the six-week mark, I spiraled into exhaustion, coupled with feeling that what I knew wasn't enough. A little bit of imposter syndrome, a little bit of inferiority complex...it all added up. It was different though - different in the sense that the Lord started to pepper my days with little things that all added up to counter the nonsense. There was encouragement in the form of hearing a testimony of the Lord coming through in an amazing timeline shared between three people, the working out of the reality of His grace being sufficient and His strength made perfect in my weakness in my life, and being able to hear stories, speak life, and pray with people the Lord brought along my week (which I know I can only do from a place of rest).

One of the things He's been teaching me is what I've taken to calling the 'ministry of encouragement'. It's something I'm being very careful with, not wanting to just say generic things or pray generic prayers, but asking the Lord what it is that would speak specifically to hearts and bless the individual. It takes time, and it takes heart. Why bother? Quite honestly, because this is the burden the Lord's given me the grace and heart for.

As I got slowly refreshed this time, the Lord opened the door for me to act on something else He has placed on my heart. Unity in the church.

I was approached to come alongside and run with the youths for two of three days of an event they were having. I jumped on the offer, showed up for the tech run, quite honestly, wondering if I would really be able to help. I felt bad during the run because I highlighted an issue that caused a panic moment as they tried to understand the situation. We took some time, I tried to explain the flow to them and once they got it, we managed to find a solution! I came away from that session not so much proud that we found a solution, but more honoured to be part of that team.

This past Thursday was the first day of said event. My right ear started feeling funny and I noticed that my earphones were going in quite tight. The inside of my ear canal continued to swell through the day, and by evening, my right ear pretty much felt like it was underwater. I didn't say anything to the team or anyone else because I didn't want to alarm them. Took a panadol, slept early...woke up at 5am with pain. My pain tolerance is higher than average, and this was PAIN. I remembered the sharing from the day before about the supernatural being normal, said a quick prayer and the pain subsided almost immediately so I went back to sleep for a bit more.

On my way to church a couple of hours later, I asked God, "How ah?" There was no panic, no anger, no anxiety - more of a "Hey Lord, I'm supposed to be the sound[wo]man for this. There's a whole day ahead...how am I supposed to mix with...only one functioning ear?" I could hear 'sound', but I couldn't hear detail. By the grace of God, the pain wasn't constant, just on and off, kind of in the background. My right ear was still 'underwater' and I couldn't put my earphones, much less my in-ear monitors in at all. I really felt handicapped while trying to eq and mix.

BUT, He gave me peace that surpasses all understanding.

The speaker of the day mentioned something in passing - that the Lord asked a burnt-out him what would be left if everything else was stripped away. I was brought back to the question I asked the Lord in the morning, "How ah?" I felt like I have this job to do, but my ability and the little skill I have is now half stripped away. The answer came quite quickly.

Just a heart that is fully in love.

It was a completely honest answer from my heart of hearts. Right in that moment, I felt the victory over the situation. I don't think I will end up having to see an ENT specialist, and it really feels like my focus through this period was right. I clung on to the Lord, to what He was speaking, and He gave me peace through the whole situation, He gave me rest and comfort from the pain. Perhaps this was the test of the lesson on His grace that He's been teaching me over the past three weeks from when I first realised that I was exhausted.

He gave me a gift of a couple of days of a personal retreat of sorts (because He knew I needed the time away), encouraged my heart as I reached out to encourage the team I was running with. I have been so incredibly blessed. My ear feels like it's slowly being unblocked, and I have full confidence that I'll be back to normal quite soon.

Your grace is sufficient for me
Your strength is made perfect when I am weak
All that I cling to I lay at Your feet
Your grace is sufficient for me

New Season Ahead~

I am so thankful that it is not me who determines the time and the season for things to happen.

Initially, the new role should have commenced mid-Feb, but there were things that cropped up beyond our control. Thankfully, I have an amazing boss who just allowed me to stay on till things were sorted, and on hindsight, I realise that my heart would really not have been ready to leave then.

The time extension allowed me a couple more monthly birthdays, as well as my long-awaited and very, very significant souvenir from The Muramatsu Flute. It allowed me extra time with people I truly appreciate, and the opportunity to show gratefulness for a little bit more. It allowed me to take the whole 'operating from a place of rest' thing to another level.

Just a couple of weeks after I got the news about the delay of my new chapter, my housemate forwarded a message from our landlord - we had to find a place to move to as they would not be renewing our lease, and we had six weeks. That was another adventure, but in short, after two weeks of searching and viewing and trying, it ended up that my housemate and I got to pray together and trust God to provide a place. He did. In the following week. We've just moved in and are still taking time to settle down and unpack. Something else to really be thankful for out of this situation is that she is open to us having small group meetings and the like at home!

There are many other things that have piled on simultaneously, but above the physical stuff that's happening, there is grace and favour as the Lord works things out the way He wants to.

This week, I will be letting go of my current role and preparing to begin my new role. I know my heart is now ready. I'm just astounded and amazed at how God is so gracious and would allow things I need even when I don't know I need them. It's a week of reflecting and recounting not just what He's doing in my life and where He's taking me, but also the people who have been instrumental in sowing into my life.

Learning to Say Goodbye

Day 30 of Month 30 with the MG Family.
I have no words to express how thankful I am, how thankful I have been to be part of this team.

Saying goodbye is not new to me. At all. My family and I moved around quite a bit while I was growing up - whether to different states altogether, or simply moving houses. Later came the saying goodbye to my country as I moved to a different one, moved back, and then away again. I've heard stories of some who move around and just don't put down roots because it's difficult when it comes time to uproot.

It is difficult.

I'm not someone who can go through life and relationships without putting down roots. Something I've come to learn in the past month or so is that it's not so much of where my roots are physically as it is where, or in this case, Who my source is.

I love people, I love being part of community. I love reaching out, and I love building friendships. I'm a relational person, but I also realise that there is wisdom in having an 'inner circle' to journey with. I'm talking about the guys who see me at my best, and my worst. They are the first ones I want to share news with, whether good or bad. There are some who journey together for a season, and others who journey for a much longer period.

Above all these relationships is my relationship with the Father.

He's been teaching me the importance of prioritising my relationship with Him, the value that comes from sowing into that, and how it then spills over into how I relate with the others around me and the community He places me in.

The past few weeks have been a pretty extreme roller-coaster ride. To date. It probably gets crazier as I stay on, but just like the safety harness, I know He's got me. All He requires is for me to rest in Him. Come along with Him for the ride, experience the things He's taking me through. Allow Him to give me the grand tour of my life. It almost seems too easy - but 'seems' is the catch.

The surrendering is hard.
The not getting overexcited and running ahead to explore is hard.
The saying goodbye when it's time to move to the next thing is hard.
The being ok with having to say goodbye is really hard.

I don't typically do floor service here, but I do have a small group of regulars who I have the pleasure of serving when they come in. I've got clients I have come to work very closely with, some of whom have been nothing short of patient and encouraging as I communicate with them in a language and with skills I'm picking up on the go.

As I reflect and take stock, I'm pretty amazed at how much I've learnt in my time here. None of it came from me saying I've never done it before so I can't. By God's grace and mercy, it was all happening so fast that I really didn't have the time to stop and think and convince myself that I had no experience therefore I couldn't. I've learnt not to tell God what I can and cannot do, and just let Him take me through the things He wants to teach me. One of the most precious things about Him leading me on this journey is that some of the things I've had the pleasure of picking up along the way, and even some of the connections (hello, Muramatsu!) have been purely for the delight of my heart.

My chapter with MG may be coming to a close, but I will always be Team MG. There has been such favour in this community of companies and it is truly an honour to be able to walk and learn with them. I am so grateful for the welcome they have extended, and continue to extend even after I step into my next adventure.

They took a chance on me, gave me room to grow.
They are family.

Relentless Pursuit

I am thankful for a God who pursues my heart and woos me over and over again.

I've gotten caught up in the busy for a bit now, but for the past few days (maybe even longer - but I'm foolish and sometimes oblivious), He's been after my heart, drawing me back to intimacy. He's been dropping song lyrics on my heart, verses, prayers. This morning, everything collided as He bapped me on the head and went "OI!" because the nudges weren't enough for this silly girl.

Two nights ago, I was listening to 'Communion' on repeat and the bridge goes "This is where I'm meant to be - me in You, and You in me". As I sat on the floor and worshipped, something began stirring deep inside.

Yesterday, I was at the prayer room and it was sweet, sweet fellowship and communion. A conversation on the way home brought to mind the fact that He's carved out a specific role for each of us to partner with Him. It's so...mind blowing.

That He would create me for a specific purpose, for the one thing He takes pleasure in gifting me with and me giving it back to Him. This isn't just for me - it's for all of us, and He's got something unique for each of us.

Coming into the place of understanding what our armour is, what our battleground is - when we say yes to Him, we allow Him to make our joy complete. In Him.

This morning on the bus ride to work, He dropped the lyrics "Times of refreshing here in Your presence" on my heart. I smiled, made a little post. I got to the office, got into the prayer zoom and was just worshipping with a liberation I haven't felt in a couple of weeks, then BAM. He wrecked me. Again.

He knew what I needed, and it was to be in His presence. He wanted to bring refreshing, He wanted to pull me out of the funk I allowed myself to drift into. He needed to get me back into a place where He could do just that. Once I was there, He came through.

"Here's where the dead things come back to living
I feel my heart beating again"

Relentless pursuit.

The more I am pushed out of my comfort zone;
The more I find my comfort in Him.

The Drawing

 I am thankful that He knows when it's time, and when that is is not up to me.

The past month has really been an acceleration in that He's nudged me to start taking action for a few different things. They didn't come as things I had to push through, but rather events that unfolded as I stepped when He led.

More pieces of the puzzle have begun to come together, and it's mind-blowing to see how God orchestrates things, down to the little details that make up the picture. When I say that my heart is full - it truly is. He's taught me that there is no need to justify my side of the story, because I am answerable to Him. Just step in obedience.

I shared with my Mum recently that I truly believe that I can step as I do because of the foundation and covering of her prayers. I also have a dear, dear sister (hi sayang!) who has been journeying closely with me. She is my go-to call buddy when the stirring starts and my heart is racing, and she, too, has me in her prayers just as she is in mine. There have been so many phone calls and texts exchanged, with tears and laughter, and I am excited to see the Lord bringing her into her season!

New things and clear purpose coming your way, my sayang!

On September 20th, He said it's time to GO. Since then, I've seen His hand lead and guide. I've seen His faithfulness in bringing clarity and assurance, unfolding promises bit by bit. I've seen doors open and things fall right in front of me for me to pick up and run with.

I know my heart is shifting. Just a couple of months ago, I was asking if the Lord would let me stay till the 100th anniversary of the flute make my company represents, but for the past month or so, I've come to a place where it doesn't matter anymore. Is the desire still there? For sure. Some days I ask again, but most other days, I'm on the edge of my seat, anticipating the next step. When He says it's time, it's time. I still don't know when that is - and this is what my faith walk looks like.

He's been drawing my heart. There's a daily looking forward to my 'One Three Four' hideaways. Just at the beginning of the Circuit Breaker, there were sharing sessions centered around making conversation with Him 'part of normalcy'. I thought I understood then, but oh boy. It's taken on an elevated meaning now. He's reeling me in, and I have yet to hit the peak.

Things that I thought mattered to me just two weeks ago matter less now. Some things have been more difficult to let go of than others, but I know I have a Father who Has a purpose for me, and He will only give me the best.

Lord, may you never stop drawing me to You.