Pop?

I am thankful that the lessons were all pretty much already planned for me because I cannot imagine having to write lesson plans. I do still have to execute the lessons and make adjustments here and there, but the what to teach is pretty much mapped out for me in enough detail.

Somehow situations where I get thrown into the deep end of the pool always seem to find me. Here I am, sitting behind a schoolteacher's desk. I don't mind being a teacher, I don't mind dealing with eighteen nine-year olds.

Now here's that word we all don't like to hear. For the vast majority of the time. BUT -

There's that one song that talks about what it feels like when you're on the other side of the window, looking inside. That's what I feel like. I don't think I'm depressed - I haven't quite come to that state yet. But really, The way things are run, the way things are done - and my role in all of these. I'm not asking for much, just to understand what's going enough so I know how to plan. Enough info so that I don't have to scramble to find things out when parents email me asking about tests and field trips and so on and so forth.

Are parents nowadays overprotective or am I now simply on the receiving end of things the way they have always been?

I'm not equipped or trained to handle all this. I'm finding out about things last minute. I still have yet to successfully adjust to the way things work around here. The perspective of education is so different from what I am used to, and the incident just a week ago probably shook things up more than I'd like to admit, and this week has gotten a lot more intense. Snowballed? Avalanched? I don't know.

I took up some form of needlecraft earlier this year, and that has helped keep me sane during my three weeks here - to a certain degree. I'd like to actually talk to someone about all this stuff that's going on in my head. It's been a difficult week, despite my resolve to have a better week. This week, I've had my share of tears in the classroom when none of the kids or the other teachers are around. I wonder if I made my teachers cry.

It's seeming to get more difficult as things crop up at the last minute and I'm forced to put my music teaching aside, whether it is for activities where my attendance is required in school, or just for the lack of energy to deal with more people. I go home and just want to have quiet moments. But that's kind of impossible for me to do because hey, there are things that need to be done to contribute to the family. The pressure is rising and I feel like the pressure cooker that exploded on mum. Not to the point of exploding just yet, but if I don't let out the pressure slowly...that's bound to happen. Pretty soon.

This is only the end of week three. I have another four weeks to go. Boy oh boy.

If only for the sake of ending this post a little upbeat - my parcel got to its destination safely and my first needlecraft project of this sort was well-received. Yay~

Playlist7

Some days I don't feel like trying, some days I want to just give up.

It has been an extremely tough week. Two weeks, even. Looking ahead to the week that is to come, I don't know what to expect anymore.
Words unformed, hope forlorn.
Did I do the right thing?

My stand is justified. It doesn't mean though that I'd break my commitment. A commitment, once made, should be followed through till the end. I'd talk to someone about it but I don't know how.
Words unformed, hope forlorn.
Have I missed out on what could have been the open door?

Exciting things happened today, but perhaps as the day draws to a close, the unfortunate events overshadow the little way ahead I have come. Two little steps forward, halted by...I don't even know anymore.
Words unformed, hope forlorn.
I don't want a pity party. I want this to turn around. Soon. Really really soon.

It's a Playlist7 kind of night. Hello '70s and Sugarland.

I'm glad I got that off my chest. Not necessarily how I had wanted to, but hey. It's out there now. I can breathe easier. Maybe.

Hash time.

I'm thankful for the job I have :)

In just short of a weeks' time, I'll be starting temporarily 'full-time-ish' with this school I've been with as a substitute teacher. Just for eight weeks. It's a position that I'd never dreamed of having, mostly because I don't want to be tied down to a school syllabus. Nonetheless, I'm truly looking forward to this as a learning experience. Another deep end of the pool thing for me. (I seem to have a penchant for attracting situations of this nature.) At the same time, I'm glad this is not a permanent thing.

Teaching music independently is very very different. The majority of people don't understand why - to them it's all still teaching, right? While that's true, it's more the circumstances that are different. I had the opportunity last week to chat with a friend who's also having to explain and defend why she is not wanting to take up a different full-time-ish teaching position at an education centre. This gal and I - we sing the same tune.

It's simple, really, but only if you see it from the same viewpoint. I don't know if we're just odd for taking this angle of if others truly cannot comprehend. Then again, I'm odd. And weird. And eccentric. So read on if you will, stop here if you're just looking to argue and bash me down.

If I were to take a teaching job at an education centre, I would have things like lesson plans, curriculum meetings, an HOD to report to (oh, and all the higher-ups from there on up), reports to write, lots and lots and lots of marking to do (it's difficult enough for me to adjust to this system where I can't outrightly mark the student wrong) - the list goes on.

Then you tell me that I can take the job because hey, all my music students come in the afternoon...right? The thing is, with all this planning and marking and meetings...will I actually have enough energy to teach late into the evenings? You tell me that by taking this position I put myself out there and more people will know me so I'll inadvertently gain more students - hold up. If I had more students on top of this teaching position, where on earth am I going to find the time to slot them in? How sustainable do you think this will end up being in the long run?

Now read that, and then look at this.

As an independent music tutor, I still get the perks of journeying with the kids - and even some adult-esque students. I get to choose my own times, and maintain a fairly flexible schedule. I still get the perks of watching students achieve little goals. At the same time, I have the freedom to tap on each students' strength and use various methods to tackle the weaknesses of the same. I'm not constricted by time and a syllabus that says I have to teach 'all that' in the span of three months, five months, or even an entire school year. I tell my kids (yes, this is how I think of them affectionately) that it's okay if they take a little longer on the foundations. There are times I tell kids to leave a piece alone and not touch it for a week or two. I get uninterrupted one-on-one time with the kid and we get to do some pretty crazy things with music and flute playing. We get to rock out cute little duets and listen for harmonies. We get to do long tones for the entire lesson - and then when all the proper foundations are set, we can set targets, be they marked by repertoire, or overcoming performance anxieties and the like.

There are little pockets of time when my kids share their struggles in school with me, or when they just ask me silly questions. They may get distracted, but at the end of the day, what I find rewarding is that each of them have their own unique individual journeys and I get to be part of that on a closer level than what I would have teaching a class of 16 kids.

I was never a great student - I was lazy. But my flute tutor found a way to tap on my inner student and she really took time to bring the best out in me. I vaguely recall the times when she'd push me till I cried, but more vividly, I remember her walking with me, I remember the times when she'd just hang out with me and share parts of her life when she was learning the flute, or even when she was a music student with me.

She went the extra mile, and she taught me to love playing the flute. She taught me to be a musician, and not just one who attempted to play the notes off of a page. She showed me firsthand what a tutor should be. The amazing lady that she is.

For that, I am forever grateful to her and only hope that I am able to take after her example, and come even remotely close to being who she was to me, to my kids.

A bit of the random: Poke me, I'll deflate. Wanna take a guess?