Faith Translated

I've known for a while that my heart is drawn to Indonesia - her people and her culture. I used to serve with the local Indonesian congregation at their services with the sound team, and sometimes with the worship team. Due to my current scope, I've just been able to help with the recorded worship. It's been something that has been a pain point with the way things have evolved, and it's something I've cried about quite a bit, but it's also something I have surrendered to the Lord because He knows my heart the best. (He made it!)

September was when things (not just thoughts) started churning and I had told the Lord on the 28th that I didn't want to just respond to altar calls. If there was something to be done, steps to be taken, tell me what it is and I'll do it. The seriousness and readiness led to conversations, which led to an opened door to go on a mission trip to Indonesia.
In my natural thought, Indonesia comprises Java, Sumatra, Kalimantan, and many smaller islands...but in late September, my perception of Indonesia had expanded to include West Papua. Manokwari, West Papua, was the locality of said mission trip.

As I learnt more of the profile of the trip and its' workings, it became clear that this was something very far removed from my current portfolio. The focal point was to go and work with the children at the centre, and also to run a curriculum-planning training for the Sunday school teachers. The cost of the trip was something that I had faith that God would provide for, so that wasn't really a huge concern. Sure, I could speak the language. I could sing songs and help to lead worship...but would I really be a help to the team?
I then told the Lord that at the slightest resistance, I would withdraw from the team. One thing after another, the process took its course with surprising smoothness - release from my HOD (this was huge for me considering some experience I had with leave approval prior to this), positive recommendation from my cell group leader, approval from the overseeing pastor. I still wasn't completely sure, despite the excitement of my spiritual Mum, and the encouragement of my parents. My parents, being missionaries, told me not to overthink it, and I didn't have to take it with the seriousness of a decision that would affect my life trajectory.

"How many confirmations do you need?"
This was a question posed to me when I reached out to someone who is also mentoring me in this journey to ask for prayer alongside. Having the release of my boss should be enough, he said.

It's true. It does seem like I took it way too seriously, but I'm glad I did. I ended up only booking my tickets after having come to a place of peace and assurance about the trip personally during a time of prayer and worship. That time of waiting and learning to sense and hear what the Lord was speaking and not run ahead was an exercise that has become another layer of the foundations of my faith journey. It wasn't that I was asking to know what was ahead, I was asking to know the heart of the Father, if this was something He had for me to be a part of.

Throughout the week in Papua, a constant question on my mind was, "Why am I really here?". There were many capacities we got to serve in, from the practical tasks that we helped with, to spending time with the children, to getting to know the staff and even encourage them.

Some of my discoveries included learning that I still love sound and technical work - it had been the pace and the circumstance that had me spiraling downward. In fact, earlier in the year, I had been talking to the Lord about future steps and asked if I could just not do anything sound-related anymore. This was certainly a revelation of what was happening with this thing that I seemed to have an in-built affinity for.
I was really thankful that the language was a gift that came from my relating with the Indonesians and the Indonesian culture over the years. Growing up in Sarawak and being exposed to missions and groundwork through stories and culture through experience seeded my curiosity to learn about Papuan culture. I brought back reminders of this precious time with me in the form of stories and the local arts (a very pretty Manokwari batik skirt!).
I learnt that contrary to what I had believed before that my 'random and very varied' skills and abilities were really for different seasons of ministry and life as it evolved, this was a place where all of that seemed to just come together and happen all in the same space. It was really a breath of fresh air for me.

This trip was what I would call my first overseas mission trip. Tracing the hand of the Lord in the things that prepared me for and led up to this trip has left me in a trail of gratefulness and awe. The question of "Why am I really here?" had so many layers to it - and the beauty is that all the answers came together as puzzle pieces, forming a picture up to this point. I am convinced that there will be more to it as time goes by, and as I revisit and keep tracing the Lord's hand through the seasons of this faith journey. There was major heart work as the Lord revealed some of the mysteries of His heart to me, and a keen sense of reverence that His heart has touched mine in things I have only read about in missionary accounts before, and are now personal experiences, that these are now things I know for myself.

I've been praying about and considering a major decision pertaining to next year. There has been much to learn about not adding on my own perception and understanding. Am reminded of how the manna provided for the Israelites was for daily consumption, and it was fresh every day. In the same way, the grace provided for my sustenance is something that I go to the Lord for the measure I need daily. When it comes to this crossroad I've come to over the past month, the understanding given and what is required is also daily, in that it really is one step at a time.

During a conversation with my parents last week, I was seeking their counsel over what I was putting together from my times of prayer and waiting and working through. I asked if it was reckless to make a decision at this point, or if I should wait for 'more information' before I make my choice. Mum then responded with this question, "If you had the answers to everything, then where would the faith be in your decision?".

What does faith translate to in this situation?
How much does it factor in to the choice I will make?
Is it something I am consciously posturing in?
What is the cost, and what is the price I'm willing to pay?

Is Jesus worth it?

But most of all, what does trusting Him in my daily look like?

Of Swishy Skirts and Slip-on Shoes

Each rise and drop has been wilder than the last.

It's the beginning of June, and I feel like I've been put through the wringer, squeezed and stretched out, over and over again. There were a few things that I was quite convinced would happen this year, but in the past five months - particularly in the past four weeks - I have come to realise afresh that I really don't understand many things that I had thought I did.

March saw the beginning of a once-weekly training for potentially stepping up in leadership a bit more. It ran for eight weeks, and that is now done! [I graduated yay~]

May kicked in with the four-day internship programme and we are now just done with Week Four. The intensity in which I am understanding the weight of the "Yes" is no joke.

Having said that, I am beyond grateful to be able to take time to just sit and learn and hear from the hearts of the leaders in the house. If there is one consistent thing I have noticed about every leader who has come to share on any given topic, it is that they carry such a zeal and conviction for what they speak on. All of them carry something in common that they repeat over and over again as they teach - that they love Jesus. It's said in a reverence and with an earnestness, with a depth that gets deeper in their expression and living out of what the Lord has planted in them. It has really challenged me in my desire to discover the depth of the passions He's put in me from the time He formed me.

(Just taking a moment here to be in awe at how He intentionally created this little human who He decided is worthy for Him to make in His own image.)

Desires. *sighs*

The week before the programme started, I was pretty tightly wound. I was stressing over the speculation of how I would be able to cope with the lessons and responses that would be required, with my regular workload to be completed in one third the usual time, and with balancing meetings and events and ministry. A 'pretty bad state' would be an apt description.

God - in His kindness and gentleness and mercy, and in His knowing me better than I know myself - bapped me on the head and told me to stop stressing over speculation. This little human heard, but as with most things, it took a while to understand what that meant specifically in this context.

In the first two weeks of the internship, there was a very real wrestle with the Mary and Martha - emails were coming in, WhatsApp messages were coming in, everyone needed something urgent that was due yesterday. The sledgehammer of the fact that I am pretty much a one-person department who deals with various other departments hit me full-force.

Reminders of "Just tahan first ok?" said over the past one year came back with me mentally throwing back "Tahan till when?" - and then the reminder of the one character that the Lord spoke of through my parents and mentors when I came full-time followed. "Meekness."

Rest and peace came as I chose to posture myself in everything I have. My attention, my heart, my hands. It was then that God began to speak and break things down, showing me that I really didn't understand what I thought was my calling. And I won't understand it at this point - I will only have the clues that He gives me in terms of my heart-wiring and serving, in terms of my ministry and interactions, and in terms of the relationships I have with those around me.

Major processing, redefining, and refining is happening, but there has been a peacefulness in understanding that I really don't understand many things. It's been a journey of retracing my steps, being more intentional about zooming in on different parts of my journey thus far, including my love for a specific land and people and the heritage I claim just by having walked through a significant part of my life there. I've been at my parents' hearts a bit more about what the Lord has spoken to them about life and ministry too. There are tiny little things and loves that I've missed in the 'growing up' and 'adulting', and this time has been so, so refreshing as the Lord invites me to take a closer look at things and stuff.

One of the visible restructuring things that has happened in the past month is a 180 degree wardrobe revamp because of a dress code that we have for the internship programme. I'm usually in my default black t-shirt and jeans or palazzo pants and black sneakers because of the mobility requirement that comes with my role, but for the past month, there is a no t-shirt and no jeans policy. It's been a month of donning dresses (a couple of them have swishy skirts that make me feel like I'm on the set of 'Funny Face') and slip-on shoes (they are still Skechers though, but have a slight wedge), which I was not super keen on at the beginning, but am coming to quite enjoy.

So the question that the Lord asked me on December 18th, 2021 returns.

"For all your desires left unfulfilled, will you bring them to Me and let Me put My dreams upon your heart?"

The subject of dreams and paying attention to my dreams have been coming up quite frequently of late. I don't consider myself to be a dreamer. I don't have vivid dreams other than the two brief ones I had where the Lord spoke so clearly regarding my one relationship back in April 2020 that led to me choosing Him and snowballed into my coming onboard full-time ministry.

I chose Him then, and I am still choosing Him now.

I'm His daughter. He knows me better than I know myself. When I said yes to Him writing my life story and my love story, I meant it. Even so, I often get excited and try to run ahead of Him to explore - that's just the reality of my feels and emotions, but He is such a gentleman and waits. So He knows, and I have no doubt that the story He's writing will appeal to all of how He made me to be. I did pour my heart out about a week and a half ago in a letter to Him and was very honest about where I find myself at this point. I'm pretty sure He read the letter and grinned and looked just ahead to where I couldn't see, and then back again at me and winked.

And so that leaves me sitting at His feet, tinkering on the keys in C (or D or G...maaaaaybe A) and singing to Him. In a dress with a swishy skirt. Probably barefooted though.

I leave you with this heart response.