It's the beginning of June, and I feel like I've been put through the wringer, squeezed and stretched out, over and over again. There were a few things that I was quite convinced would happen this year, but in the past five months - particularly in the past four weeks - I have come to realise afresh that I really don't understand many things that I had thought I did.
March saw the beginning of a once-weekly training for potentially stepping up in leadership a bit more. It ran for eight weeks, and that is now done! [I graduated yay~]
May kicked in with the four-day internship programme and we are now just done with Week Four. The intensity in which I am understanding the weight of the "Yes" is no joke.
Having said that, I am beyond grateful to be able to take time to just sit and learn and hear from the hearts of the leaders in the house. If there is one consistent thing I have noticed about every leader who has come to share on any given topic, it is that they carry such a zeal and conviction for what they speak on. All of them carry something in common that they repeat over and over again as they teach - that they love Jesus. It's said in a reverence and with an earnestness, with a depth that gets deeper in their expression and living out of what the Lord has planted in them. It has really challenged me in my desire to discover the depth of the passions He's put in me from the time He formed me.
(Just taking a moment here to be in awe at how He intentionally created this little human who He decided is worthy for Him to make in His own image.)
Desires. *sighs*
The week before the programme started, I was pretty tightly wound. I was stressing over the speculation of how I would be able to cope with the lessons and responses that would be required, with my regular workload to be completed in one third the usual time, and with balancing meetings and events and ministry. A 'pretty bad state' would be an apt description.
God - in His kindness and gentleness and mercy, and in His knowing me better than I know myself - bapped me on the head and told me to stop stressing over speculation. This little human heard, but as with most things, it took a while to understand what that meant specifically in this context.
In the first two weeks of the internship, there was a very real wrestle with the Mary and Martha - emails were coming in, WhatsApp messages were coming in, everyone needed something urgent that was due yesterday. The sledgehammer of the fact that I am pretty much a one-person department who deals with various other departments hit me full-force.
Reminders of "Just tahan first ok?" said over the past one year came back with me mentally throwing back "Tahan till when?" - and then the reminder of the one character that the Lord spoke of through my parents and mentors when I came full-time followed. "Meekness."
Rest and peace came as I chose to posture myself in everything I have. My attention, my heart, my hands. It was then that God began to speak and break things down, showing me that I really didn't understand what I thought was my calling. And I won't understand it at this point - I will only have the clues that He gives me in terms of my heart-wiring and serving, in terms of my ministry and interactions, and in terms of the relationships I have with those around me.
Major processing, redefining, and refining is happening, but there has been a peacefulness in understanding that I really don't understand many things. It's been a journey of retracing my steps, being more intentional about zooming in on different parts of my journey thus far, including my love for a specific land and people and the heritage I claim just by having walked through a significant part of my life there. I've been at my parents' hearts a bit more about what the Lord has spoken to them about life and ministry too. There are tiny little things and loves that I've missed in the 'growing up' and 'adulting', and this time has been so, so refreshing as the Lord invites me to take a closer look at things and stuff.
One of the visible restructuring things that has happened in the past month is a 180 degree wardrobe revamp because of a dress code that we have for the internship programme. I'm usually in my default black t-shirt and jeans or palazzo pants and black sneakers because of the mobility requirement that comes with my role, but for the past month, there is a no t-shirt and no jeans policy. It's been a month of donning dresses (a couple of them have swishy skirts that make me feel like I'm on the set of 'Funny Face') and slip-on shoes (they are still Skechers though, but have a slight wedge), which I was not super keen on at the beginning, but am coming to quite enjoy.
So the question that the Lord asked me on December 18th, 2021 returns.
"For all your desires left unfulfilled, will you bring them to Me and let Me put My dreams upon your heart?"
The subject of dreams and paying attention to my dreams have been coming up quite frequently of late. I don't consider myself to be a dreamer. I don't have vivid dreams other than the two brief ones I had where the Lord spoke so clearly regarding my one relationship back in April 2020 that led to me choosing Him and snowballed into my coming onboard full-time ministry.
I chose Him then, and I am still choosing Him now.
I'm His daughter. He knows me better than I know myself. When I said yes to Him writing my life story and my love story, I meant it. Even so, I often get excited and try to run ahead of Him to explore - that's just the reality of my feels and emotions, but He is such a gentleman and waits. So He knows, and I have no doubt that the story He's writing will appeal to all of how He made me to be. I did pour my heart out about a week and a half ago in a letter to Him and was very honest about where I find myself at this point. I'm pretty sure He read the letter and grinned and looked just ahead to where I couldn't see, and then back again at me and winked.
And so that leaves me sitting at His feet, tinkering on the keys in C (or D or G...maaaaaybe A) and singing to Him. In a dress with a swishy skirt. Probably barefooted though.
I leave you with this heart response.
