I am thankful that the Lord is my constant.
Things add up and pile on and get to me. Just before my brain goes into overdrive, it kicks into survival mode. I often don't realise how stressed I am...until something major happens to my health. Before this when I was in MG, it was about six weeks in when I came down with a high fever, and then that morphed into losing my voice for a bit, a horrible cough, and being really winded every few steps I took. It took about three weeks to recover from there.
This time, also around the six-week mark, I spiraled into exhaustion, coupled with feeling that what I knew wasn't enough. A little bit of imposter syndrome, a little bit of inferiority complex...it all added up. It was different though - different in the sense that the Lord started to pepper my days with little things that all added up to counter the nonsense. There was encouragement in the form of hearing a testimony of the Lord coming through in an amazing timeline shared between three people, the working out of the reality of His grace being sufficient and His strength made perfect in my weakness in my life, and being able to hear stories, speak life, and pray with people the Lord brought along my week (which I know I can only do from a place of rest).
One of the things He's been teaching me is what I've taken to calling the 'ministry of encouragement'. It's something I'm being very careful with, not wanting to just say generic things or pray generic prayers, but asking the Lord what it is that would speak specifically to hearts and bless the individual. It takes time, and it takes heart. Why bother? Quite honestly, because this is the burden the Lord's given me the grace and heart for.
As I got slowly refreshed this time, the Lord opened the door for me to act on something else He has placed on my heart. Unity in the church.
I was approached to come alongside and run with the youths for two of three days of an event they were having. I jumped on the offer, showed up for the tech run, quite honestly, wondering if I would really be able to help. I felt bad during the run because I highlighted an issue that caused a panic moment as they tried to understand the situation. We took some time, I tried to explain the flow to them and once they got it, we managed to find a solution! I came away from that session not so much proud that we found a solution, but more honoured to be part of that team.
This past Thursday was the first day of said event. My right ear started feeling funny and I noticed that my earphones were going in quite tight. The inside of my ear canal continued to swell through the day, and by evening, my right ear pretty much felt like it was underwater. I didn't say anything to the team or anyone else because I didn't want to alarm them. Took a panadol, slept early...woke up at 5am with pain. My pain tolerance is higher than average, and this was PAIN. I remembered the sharing from the day before about the supernatural being normal, said a quick prayer and the pain subsided almost immediately so I went back to sleep for a bit more.
On my way to church a couple of hours later, I asked God, "How ah?" There was no panic, no anger, no anxiety - more of a "Hey Lord, I'm supposed to be the sound[wo]man for this. There's a whole day ahead...how am I supposed to mix with...only one functioning ear?" I could hear 'sound', but I couldn't hear detail. By the grace of God, the pain wasn't constant, just on and off, kind of in the background. My right ear was still 'underwater' and I couldn't put my earphones, much less my in-ear monitors in at all. I really felt handicapped while trying to eq and mix.
BUT, He gave me peace that surpasses all understanding.
The speaker of the day mentioned something in passing - that the Lord asked a burnt-out him what would be left if everything else was stripped away. I was brought back to the question I asked the Lord in the morning, "How ah?" I felt like I have this job to do, but my ability and the little skill I have is now half stripped away. The answer came quite quickly.
Just a heart that is fully in love.
It was a completely honest answer from my heart of hearts. Right in that moment, I felt the victory over the situation. I don't think I will end up having to see an ENT specialist, and it really feels like my focus through this period was right. I clung on to the Lord, to what He was speaking, and He gave me peace through the whole situation, He gave me rest and comfort from the pain. Perhaps this was the test of the lesson on His grace that He's been teaching me over the past three weeks from when I first realised that I was exhausted.
He gave me a gift of a couple of days of a personal retreat of sorts (because He knew I needed the time away), encouraged my heart as I reached out to encourage the team I was running with. I have been so incredibly blessed. My ear feels like it's slowly being unblocked, and I have full confidence that I'll be back to normal quite soon.
Your strength is made perfect when I am weak
All that I cling to I lay at Your feet
Your grace is sufficient for me
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