Grace and Peace

I am thankful that the Lord is my constant.

Things add up and pile on and get to me. Just before my brain goes into overdrive, it kicks into survival mode. I often don't realise how stressed I am...until something major happens to my health. Before this when I was in MG, it was about six weeks in when I came down with a high fever, and then that morphed into losing my voice for a bit, a horrible cough, and being really winded every few steps I took. It took about three weeks to recover from there.

This time, also around the six-week mark, I spiraled into exhaustion, coupled with feeling that what I knew wasn't enough. A little bit of imposter syndrome, a little bit of inferiority complex...it all added up. It was different though - different in the sense that the Lord started to pepper my days with little things that all added up to counter the nonsense. There was encouragement in the form of hearing a testimony of the Lord coming through in an amazing timeline shared between three people, the working out of the reality of His grace being sufficient and His strength made perfect in my weakness in my life, and being able to hear stories, speak life, and pray with people the Lord brought along my week (which I know I can only do from a place of rest).

One of the things He's been teaching me is what I've taken to calling the 'ministry of encouragement'. It's something I'm being very careful with, not wanting to just say generic things or pray generic prayers, but asking the Lord what it is that would speak specifically to hearts and bless the individual. It takes time, and it takes heart. Why bother? Quite honestly, because this is the burden the Lord's given me the grace and heart for.

As I got slowly refreshed this time, the Lord opened the door for me to act on something else He has placed on my heart. Unity in the church.

I was approached to come alongside and run with the youths for two of three days of an event they were having. I jumped on the offer, showed up for the tech run, quite honestly, wondering if I would really be able to help. I felt bad during the run because I highlighted an issue that caused a panic moment as they tried to understand the situation. We took some time, I tried to explain the flow to them and once they got it, we managed to find a solution! I came away from that session not so much proud that we found a solution, but more honoured to be part of that team.

This past Thursday was the first day of said event. My right ear started feeling funny and I noticed that my earphones were going in quite tight. The inside of my ear canal continued to swell through the day, and by evening, my right ear pretty much felt like it was underwater. I didn't say anything to the team or anyone else because I didn't want to alarm them. Took a panadol, slept early...woke up at 5am with pain. My pain tolerance is higher than average, and this was PAIN. I remembered the sharing from the day before about the supernatural being normal, said a quick prayer and the pain subsided almost immediately so I went back to sleep for a bit more.

On my way to church a couple of hours later, I asked God, "How ah?" There was no panic, no anger, no anxiety - more of a "Hey Lord, I'm supposed to be the sound[wo]man for this. There's a whole day ahead...how am I supposed to mix with...only one functioning ear?" I could hear 'sound', but I couldn't hear detail. By the grace of God, the pain wasn't constant, just on and off, kind of in the background. My right ear was still 'underwater' and I couldn't put my earphones, much less my in-ear monitors in at all. I really felt handicapped while trying to eq and mix.

BUT, He gave me peace that surpasses all understanding.

The speaker of the day mentioned something in passing - that the Lord asked a burnt-out him what would be left if everything else was stripped away. I was brought back to the question I asked the Lord in the morning, "How ah?" I felt like I have this job to do, but my ability and the little skill I have is now half stripped away. The answer came quite quickly.

Just a heart that is fully in love.

It was a completely honest answer from my heart of hearts. Right in that moment, I felt the victory over the situation. I don't think I will end up having to see an ENT specialist, and it really feels like my focus through this period was right. I clung on to the Lord, to what He was speaking, and He gave me peace through the whole situation, He gave me rest and comfort from the pain. Perhaps this was the test of the lesson on His grace that He's been teaching me over the past three weeks from when I first realised that I was exhausted.

He gave me a gift of a couple of days of a personal retreat of sorts (because He knew I needed the time away), encouraged my heart as I reached out to encourage the team I was running with. I have been so incredibly blessed. My ear feels like it's slowly being unblocked, and I have full confidence that I'll be back to normal quite soon.

Your grace is sufficient for me
Your strength is made perfect when I am weak
All that I cling to I lay at Your feet
Your grace is sufficient for me

New Season Ahead~

I am so thankful that it is not me who determines the time and the season for things to happen.

Initially, the new role should have commenced mid-Feb, but there were things that cropped up beyond our control. Thankfully, I have an amazing boss who just allowed me to stay on till things were sorted, and on hindsight, I realise that my heart would really not have been ready to leave then.

The time extension allowed me a couple more monthly birthdays, as well as my long-awaited and very, very significant souvenir from The Muramatsu Flute. It allowed me extra time with people I truly appreciate, and the opportunity to show gratefulness for a little bit more. It allowed me to take the whole 'operating from a place of rest' thing to another level.

Just a couple of weeks after I got the news about the delay of my new chapter, my housemate forwarded a message from our landlord - we had to find a place to move to as they would not be renewing our lease, and we had six weeks. That was another adventure, but in short, after two weeks of searching and viewing and trying, it ended up that my housemate and I got to pray together and trust God to provide a place. He did. In the following week. We've just moved in and are still taking time to settle down and unpack. Something else to really be thankful for out of this situation is that she is open to us having small group meetings and the like at home!

There are many other things that have piled on simultaneously, but above the physical stuff that's happening, there is grace and favour as the Lord works things out the way He wants to.

This week, I will be letting go of my current role and preparing to begin my new role. I know my heart is now ready. I'm just astounded and amazed at how God is so gracious and would allow things I need even when I don't know I need them. It's a week of reflecting and recounting not just what He's doing in my life and where He's taking me, but also the people who have been instrumental in sowing into my life.

Learning to Say Goodbye

Day 30 of Month 30 with the MG Family.
I have no words to express how thankful I am, how thankful I have been to be part of this team.

Saying goodbye is not new to me. At all. My family and I moved around quite a bit while I was growing up - whether to different states altogether, or simply moving houses. Later came the saying goodbye to my country as I moved to a different one, moved back, and then away again. I've heard stories of some who move around and just don't put down roots because it's difficult when it comes time to uproot.

It is difficult.

I'm not someone who can go through life and relationships without putting down roots. Something I've come to learn in the past month or so is that it's not so much of where my roots are physically as it is where, or in this case, Who my source is.

I love people, I love being part of community. I love reaching out, and I love building friendships. I'm a relational person, but I also realise that there is wisdom in having an 'inner circle' to journey with. I'm talking about the guys who see me at my best, and my worst. They are the first ones I want to share news with, whether good or bad. There are some who journey together for a season, and others who journey for a much longer period.

Above all these relationships is my relationship with the Father.

He's been teaching me the importance of prioritising my relationship with Him, the value that comes from sowing into that, and how it then spills over into how I relate with the others around me and the community He places me in.

The past few weeks have been a pretty extreme roller-coaster ride. To date. It probably gets crazier as I stay on, but just like the safety harness, I know He's got me. All He requires is for me to rest in Him. Come along with Him for the ride, experience the things He's taking me through. Allow Him to give me the grand tour of my life. It almost seems too easy - but 'seems' is the catch.

The surrendering is hard.
The not getting overexcited and running ahead to explore is hard.
The saying goodbye when it's time to move to the next thing is hard.
The being ok with having to say goodbye is really hard.

I don't typically do floor service here, but I do have a small group of regulars who I have the pleasure of serving when they come in. I've got clients I have come to work very closely with, some of whom have been nothing short of patient and encouraging as I communicate with them in a language and with skills I'm picking up on the go.

As I reflect and take stock, I'm pretty amazed at how much I've learnt in my time here. None of it came from me saying I've never done it before so I can't. By God's grace and mercy, it was all happening so fast that I really didn't have the time to stop and think and convince myself that I had no experience therefore I couldn't. I've learnt not to tell God what I can and cannot do, and just let Him take me through the things He wants to teach me. One of the most precious things about Him leading me on this journey is that some of the things I've had the pleasure of picking up along the way, and even some of the connections (hello, Muramatsu!) have been purely for the delight of my heart.

My chapter with MG may be coming to a close, but I will always be Team MG. There has been such favour in this community of companies and it is truly an honour to be able to walk and learn with them. I am so grateful for the welcome they have extended, and continue to extend even after I step into my next adventure.

They took a chance on me, gave me room to grow.
They are family.

Relentless Pursuit

I am thankful for a God who pursues my heart and woos me over and over again.

I've gotten caught up in the busy for a bit now, but for the past few days (maybe even longer - but I'm foolish and sometimes oblivious), He's been after my heart, drawing me back to intimacy. He's been dropping song lyrics on my heart, verses, prayers. This morning, everything collided as He bapped me on the head and went "OI!" because the nudges weren't enough for this silly girl.

Two nights ago, I was listening to 'Communion' on repeat and the bridge goes "This is where I'm meant to be - me in You, and You in me". As I sat on the floor and worshipped, something began stirring deep inside.

Yesterday, I was at the prayer room and it was sweet, sweet fellowship and communion. A conversation on the way home brought to mind the fact that He's carved out a specific role for each of us to partner with Him. It's so...mind blowing.

That He would create me for a specific purpose, for the one thing He takes pleasure in gifting me with and me giving it back to Him. This isn't just for me - it's for all of us, and He's got something unique for each of us.

Coming into the place of understanding what our armour is, what our battleground is - when we say yes to Him, we allow Him to make our joy complete. In Him.

This morning on the bus ride to work, He dropped the lyrics "Times of refreshing here in Your presence" on my heart. I smiled, made a little post. I got to the office, got into the prayer zoom and was just worshipping with a liberation I haven't felt in a couple of weeks, then BAM. He wrecked me. Again.

He knew what I needed, and it was to be in His presence. He wanted to bring refreshing, He wanted to pull me out of the funk I allowed myself to drift into. He needed to get me back into a place where He could do just that. Once I was there, He came through.

"Here's where the dead things come back to living
I feel my heart beating again"

Relentless pursuit.

The more I am pushed out of my comfort zone;
The more I find my comfort in Him.

The Drawing

 I am thankful that He knows when it's time, and when that is is not up to me.

The past month has really been an acceleration in that He's nudged me to start taking action for a few different things. They didn't come as things I had to push through, but rather events that unfolded as I stepped when He led.

More pieces of the puzzle have begun to come together, and it's mind-blowing to see how God orchestrates things, down to the little details that make up the picture. When I say that my heart is full - it truly is. He's taught me that there is no need to justify my side of the story, because I am answerable to Him. Just step in obedience.

I shared with my Mum recently that I truly believe that I can step as I do because of the foundation and covering of her prayers. I also have a dear, dear sister (hi sayang!) who has been journeying closely with me. She is my go-to call buddy when the stirring starts and my heart is racing, and she, too, has me in her prayers just as she is in mine. There have been so many phone calls and texts exchanged, with tears and laughter, and I am excited to see the Lord bringing her into her season!

New things and clear purpose coming your way, my sayang!

On September 20th, He said it's time to GO. Since then, I've seen His hand lead and guide. I've seen His faithfulness in bringing clarity and assurance, unfolding promises bit by bit. I've seen doors open and things fall right in front of me for me to pick up and run with.

I know my heart is shifting. Just a couple of months ago, I was asking if the Lord would let me stay till the 100th anniversary of the flute make my company represents, but for the past month or so, I've come to a place where it doesn't matter anymore. Is the desire still there? For sure. Some days I ask again, but most other days, I'm on the edge of my seat, anticipating the next step. When He says it's time, it's time. I still don't know when that is - and this is what my faith walk looks like.

He's been drawing my heart. There's a daily looking forward to my 'One Three Four' hideaways. Just at the beginning of the Circuit Breaker, there were sharing sessions centered around making conversation with Him 'part of normalcy'. I thought I understood then, but oh boy. It's taken on an elevated meaning now. He's reeling me in, and I have yet to hit the peak.

Things that I thought mattered to me just two weeks ago matter less now. Some things have been more difficult to let go of than others, but I know I have a Father who Has a purpose for me, and He will only give me the best.

Lord, may you never stop drawing me to You.

Walau Ku Tak Dapat Melihat

It's September 30th, and my heart is exploding.

I turned 28 last week. 28 has been monumental for me in so many ways. There were prayers prayed, blessings spoken, and just such pleasure in knowing that the Lord had me right where He wanted me.

I've been on this journey with the Lord that just keeps getting sweeter as He draws me closer. It's interesting that as I'm writing this, I've got YouTube on autoplay in the background. The song that's playing is as the post title is. It translates to 'even though I cannot see'. The original singer for this song is a visually impaired young girl (who's probably in her mid teens by now). The chorus speaks about how even though I cannot see His plans or place my hope in my life's circumstances, my heart will be turned to Him because I know He is for me.

Birthdays have always been a time of appreciation for my family, recognising that there are people the Lord had brought around us to journey with us and speak into our lives, reaching out to them to affirm them. They have also been a time of encouragement and blessing as the others in the family speak words and prayers over the birthday person. This year has been really, really special.

I took advantage of the safety measures in place to meet more people - in small groups. Being able to zero in on the individuals I was meeting and be more specific and intentional about readying my heart for these meets was a really special process for me. The preparation space as I reached out to different ones and prayed and reflected leading up to the meeting taught me so much. It was time spent with the Lord, as He showed me the beauty in different ones, as He brought things to focus and remembrance.

This year, it was a time of seeing the Lord pepper my days with little surprises, bring so much joy and take my focus away from 'me', so that He could help me see His perspective. He met me in so many ways and I'm just...floored.

There were days when I felt homesick, but it was a lesson on shifting my perspective from wallowing in my seemingly depressive situation being in a place away from family, not being able to make a trip home. There were days where I wondered what it would be like if I was still in the relationship I was in - it's lonely, being here, and it would be so nice if I had a 'someone special'. But then the Lord was quick to remind me of the people He has placed around me so we can journey together. As I availed myself and poured into their lives, He poured into mine, and He continues to do so. It's definitely different from having a special someone, but it's a season where He's bringing my heart to be where He wants it, even with all the hurt and brokenness, so that He can prepare me for the ministry and even the special someone He has for me.

I was in a zoom church service with a church where my Dad was speaking at during the lockdown, and after the service, there was someone who gave me a word the Lord had laid on her heart for me. It was simple - "The Lord will reassure you in all your steps". Such a simple statement, but it's really come to be so key in each relationship and even in the ministry He's begun to lead me to and open up. I was on the bus praying about something just two days ago playing tug of war, and it was like He hit me on the head and went, "Didn't I tell you already that I will reassure you in all your steps as you step with me?". I'm still learning - and every day is truly sweeter with Him.

I said this in one of my earlier posts, that every day is a new surrender. Sometimes it's multiple times a day where I go "Lord, take my heart. Take my emotions.". Now that I'm here with Him, my heart's in a place where I don't want to be distracted - simply because I've tasted of the Lord, and He is good. He's faithful, He's merciful, and I'm so blown away by how He's chosen me *in* my imperfections, *in* my weakness.

These days have looked like lots of conversations in public places where as I'm sharing or listening, He is so tangibly present and I end up a crying mess. They have sounded like calls that happen when He decides they should, where I'm walking with someone over the phone, be it working or praying through a specific situation. These days have seen prayer become natural to me, even aloud where others are clearly listening in - I pray the Lord does His work as the seeds get thrown out there.

About a month and a half ago, I was on my knees in my office as I sobbed and responded to where He had arrested my heart. He gave me a phrase - 'take hold of me'. As I prayed this, it started to really resonate in my heart. That night, I sat at Tasso and was just playing and singing to Him. It was old school - 'Pass Me Not, O Gentle Saviour'. I started wrapping up seeing that it was past midnight, but He had different plans. He decided to respond to my prayer, for Him to not pass me by, and in His humour, 'Take Hold of Me' was birthed.

So even though I don't see His plan, and I don't know two steps ahead of where I am, let alone five, my heart is so turned to Him and I pray I will never lose sight of the eternity He's preparing me for with Him.

Take hold of me, Lord.

 

ps. Right as I finish my read-through before hitting the publish button, YouTube cycles back to the song I started with at the beginning of this post. The exact same video. I'm done. I'm wrecked. In the best way possible.