desselBoS all worked up.

Grr.

I feel like getting a hammer and whacking each and every one of my fingers.

ARRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Among other things.

I thank God for Anastasis.

And chocolate fudge cake. And wii.

God is beginning to show me some of the fruit of the labour He's helped drive me to put in. :) PTL!!!

Watching Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra on the 22nd November, 2010 is an unforgettable experience. As I was sitting there, different questions filtered through my mind. Questions I will have to answer someday, questions I will discover the answers to someday. I hope. And pray. Should this be where I'm headed.

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When I said it doesn't affect me that they deem me as too young to understand...maybe I said it to convince myself at that time...but it's not working now.

When I said that I'm giving it all to God...I'm wondering if I really did. Otherwise why would I still be feeling this way?

When you said that I shouldn't emo alone...I told myself I can't find you to emo with me. Why? Don't ask.

When you ask what's wrong...do you really want to know or is it just a formality?

Am I avoiding you?

Well...yes...but no.

Am I emo-ing now?

Yes.

Is that why I'm deliberately spending so much time alone now?

Yes, among other things.

Loner. Introvert. I just don't feel like talking.

This is not me. I don't like this person I'm becoming.

It's all that mangled with homesickness.

All that mangled with losing friends.

All that mangled with maybe not doing as well as I'd hoped?

All that mangled with the letter I'm wording.

All that mangled with wanting to see you and yet not wanting to.

All that mangled with wanting to be able to chill with you like we used to be able to...before this wall.

All that among other things.

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I wanna go home.

*Michael Bublé's 'Home' plays*



The only difference is...
I won't be home yet tonight. The river is flowing.

Metronome

I thank God for creativity.

As music students, we're always told how important it is to keep time and practice with a metronome :)

Enjoy.

October.

I thank God that He's speaking to me.

This is surely a sign that He's not given up on me. Hang on, what am I talking about? Of course He won't give up on me.

I said in my previous post that I'm on a roller coaster ride. So I just came up from another homesick phase and I've been reflecting on my life, checking myself. There's no room for compromise when it comes to His standards. Reading the book 'Captivating' by John and Stasi Eldredge, there are a a whole lot of things which I can relate to, which I'm seeing in my life...and plenty of things I need to change.

So while I was reflecting on my life, the weeding process is beginning, and hey, starting the process now is better, coz if it would have started later, the roots would have grown deeper and all. Yes, you don't get me. Haha. It's okay. This is just so I can look back and be reminded of how He's slowly moulding and shaping me.

He's still working on me
To make me what I ought to be
It took about a week to make the moon and the stars
The sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars
How loving and patient He must be
He's still working on me

The simple chorus of a song, containing such a simple truth. He's still working on me. I can't remember the lyrics of the verses tho.

The whole month of October was just a really sobering time for me.

I'm just gonna end here thanking God for something else.

The love of His family.

So thank You, God for the love of Your family.

Roller-Coaster-Ride...

I thank the Lord for encouragement.

"The most important lesson I learnt is not to leave the roller coaster. This roller coaster is God given passion, I knew I was on a wrong roller coaster but now I know it is right. U are there on this ride too... Just relax and enjoy the thrill and the boredom ya maybe a bit of bumpy rails and water splashes."

I came across this today. And today was a time when I really needed it. So thanks for being an encouragement. This is definitely a bumpy rail time and tomorrow will be a water splash time. I will try to chill. To relax. Haha. That's what you always tell me to do.

The Excitement of Giving Back.

I thank God for bringing me home.

So I'm loving giving back to Him. I have been missing that. A lot. But then again, it gave me time to think...who am I Really doing it for? Him? My teammates? Myself? And I know the answer should always be Him. That's why being in the ministry is hard. Coz I haven't reached the level where it's all about Him. I told Him that's what I want. From now onwards. And I believe, Strongly, that He's gonna teach me how. Yes, I'm confident about that. Coz I have the assurance that He will never turn down such a prayer.

It was awesome seeing Him work through the different individuals, as we came together to unite for Him. Not discriminating nationality, denomination, origin...just coming together for Him. Being able to serve alongside them was a real reminder of what I needed to be doing. What I wanted to be doing. I have been giving myself excuses for too long, been telling myself I need to settle down and need to be ready first. When He calls, am I going to tell Him...'Hang on...I need to polish my armour'? This has to change. And it did. I took that first step. And now I'm gonna have to follow up and follow through. There's no other way to say this. I'm excited. Excited about being in the fellowship again, in the ministry again, excited about giving back to Him what He has given to me. Am I ready to be part of what He's stirring up? What He's doing? You bet I am.

It all started with a text. And next thing I knew, I was filled with such joy. Joy that I had three Sundays ago, only this time, much more. I said I'll do it, and I'm glad I did. Being able to just be there once again, giving back to Him...I felt like I was coming home. And I am home.

It's been crazy. I've been struggling with emotions, mindsets....and had to change lots of things, but I believe the whole process was moulding me, and hey, He's still working on me. Mm...I suddenly feel like listening to that a cappella album. Must remember to get it back.

So I'm a normal teenage girl, been down...but He sent people to cheer me up during those times...been homesick, but again, He sent people who are now like family to me...been having a lot to think about, but He has been faithful in showing me that He knows all things and He'll provide. Crazy things have been happening in the past few months.

I just surrendered to Him this morning. Once again. And I am setting my mind to do it every morning. I need to be reminded that He now has control over all aspects of my life. My walk with Him, my family, the music-related stuff, the typical teenage girl stuff...

And now I'll have more time to talk to Him, thanks to Him for public transport.

To consult Him about all the things I'm thinking about...

To ask Him for guidance in the relationships I'm building...in church, in school...

To ask Him for grace, facing each new day, with new challenges...

To ask Him for patience as I go through school....with all the assignments...

To ask Him what to do when I'm spiraling out of control...

To ask Him for wisdom in making decisions daily...

To ask Him for the passion and the drive to persevere and be faithful in the little He has given me so that He can take it and multiply it...

To ask Him for a constant reminder that I just need to cast all my cares upon Him and He will take care of them and of me.

To thank Him for taking care of me and just being in control of my life.

Lord, I Really need Your grace.

By the way, thanks for the 'birthday surprise', guys. Lol. Next time I'll try to be blur, ya? Haha. And to my two dear sisters, thanks for the evening out.

Taking flight...

Thank You God that You've just been...there...putting people in my path to guide me along and all..You've been awesome. As always.

The baby bird has left the nest. To fly (yes, literally FLY) away. Now that I'm actually thinking about it, I really do feel like a baby bird. I've had my test flights, at first with mum and dad, then with just a little supervision...and then on my own for short periods of time, and finally, leave the nest. I still cannot bring myself to add 'permanently' after 'leave the nest'. Coz I still miss the nest. Yes, I get homesick. And dad came to check on me, then he flew off again. So now I'm in my not-so-new-anymore environment, braving the winds that threaten to blow me down, to throw me off-track, telling myself to keep flapping despite all other circumstances.

Above all, God's been so good. He gave me a new home, older ones to watch over me, friends to come around me, encouraging me and taking me in, friends to spur me on when life's pressures come down on me, and He's shown me another branch of His humongous family, a family who has welcomed me and taken me in, demonstrating His unconditional love for me again and again.

It hasn't been easy and I haven't been always strong (though I try to be, or at least appear to be), but He is teaching me new things, giving me new experiences everyday. It's been a free fall so far, and I'm still learning to use the flight feathers that have been growing slowly. I thank God that He didn't just dump me into this situation, but has slowly been equipping and preparing me without me knowing. Sure, the details might have seemed vague at the beginning (a lot of it still is) but I know that He's there. For me. And he won't let the wind toss me around.

He's given me more than I'd ever imagined, more than I've asked for. So I'll be thankful for that coz He knows what's best and no matter how unprepared my mind tells me I am, my soul's gonna choose to rest in Him. But this doesn't mean I can't miss you guys at home. So yea. I do miss all of you. A lot.