September approaches. Yes, it does.

My thoughts are pretty fragmented, so please, bear with me.

I spent the weekend away from here because my brother graduated. Yup. He made it. And I am an extremely proud sister. I'm really happy that he made it.

Sometimes I feel it's odd because I seem to be a little bit ahead of him. I don't mean that in a bad way - let me try to clarify a little. I left home for LL to join the rat race and pursue further studies and all that. I remember walking in to the finance office of his uni one day because he needed to make a payment prior to his being physically there. The finance officer was nice, and he ended up asking me if I was the elder sister. I smiled and responded with a negative. At that time, I was just a younger sister, proud of her brother.

Kor has always been closer to my heart than my other siblings. Maybe it's because we are but a year apart, perhaps it's because mum and dad used to put him in charge of me. Whatever it was, I love him. And I'm proud of him.

As I sat in the auditorium, getting misty eyed one too many times, I was filled with this overwhelming sense of pride that my brother made it. The others in his cohort were just names. But my brother? He made it. It was difficult, it was stressful. There were hiccups along the way, but he made it. Then the thought that he'd step into the working world hit.

The transition from student to working person wasn't that big a jolt for me, perhaps because I was already doing part time work that was essentially what I ended up doing after my 'studies'. I realise that the work environment for most fields of study is quite different and it takes some getting used to. I'm blessed with what I do - I've been anticipating the same for as long as I can remember. I wonder at how Kor will adjust to such a different work environment from what he has been used to all these years of study.

My brother made it. All of a sudden, these 'adult' decisions start to become more real. I don't know what is out there but I'm thankful that he gets to move to the next stage. As he prepares for his interviews and (hopefully) moves into a new place by the end of the week, I start to reflect on and appreciate the relationships that I built while I was there in LL.

My brother has got friends, don't get me wrong. Me? This oddball made friends. This oddball found a family. This oddball also got found. This oddball grew to love LL.

My time in LL certainly made me grow and mature. I'm starting to get restless where I am now. I believe that there are times when we have to step away to heal and to regroup and restrategise. That time came, and is, but I find myself straining forward.

Perhaps September will bring new things?

It's the end of the month!

July.

So my blog apparently still has readers(?) and I'm still supposed to do the a-post-a-month thing. Hmm.

It's been an interesting month, I suppose. I got to meet with my Filipino Momma after four years, and she says she's finally going to make good on her promise to take me to the Philippines with her. I got to meet the country's tfarcdnuoS ambassador and we had a good chat about live mixing. He's a cool, radical guy. There was the other radical guy who advocates people actually living out what the Bible says and not merely 'doing church' (yes, he doesn't 'go to church'). There was the arrival of the fountain pens and the writing of the letter with the fountain pen (inks are next! Whee~~).

I am thankful for sound engineers.

Sound. Live sound. Recording sound.

Live sound has me really really interested. It's problem-solving and producing results on the spot. An engineer cannot make a musician/singer sound good in live sound if there's no base to work with. In the studio, one beefs up and polishes and fine tunes - and the result could be something that's completely different from the original, unmastered cut. One of my students asked me why I don't listen to a lot of current pop music. There are a number of reasons, and that's another writeup for another time, but in a nutshell - monotonous melodies, empty lyrics, jarring accompaniment. These are my own opinions, please feel free to disagree.

I think back to that one time I got to do studio stuff. I probably had over 20 takes for a simple 16-bar doodle. The reason was simple. Although this guy did recording sound for a living, he wanted to go with one complete take rather than a spliced version of all the good bits only. We had a chat and I was pretty thrilled as it was one of my first times being part of a project like that. We listened to the playbacks of what was recorded and scrutinised little details. The goal was to get a close-to-perfect take. Listening to the final product, I'm glad he didn't lay on the editing so thick that I sounded not like myself (of course there's the self-bashing that almost every musician has the misfortune to make a habit).

Just a few years later, I start exploring and learning about live sound. I get the opportunity to meet people, learn about different features on different boards, tfarcdnuoS in particular, talk about the different preferences that people have. I used to think that a good pair of over-the-ears was essential, but different engineers are helping me realise that you should always depend on YOUR ears. It's not a matter of which headphones sound the best, because let's face it, the collective crowd is not relying on headphones that cost thousands of dollars. Sure, they're useful if we're trying to isolate a problem or tweak one's EQ, but for the most part, they're really not necessary.

The whole reason I got interested in sound engineering goes back to a statement that someone made. I cannot recall the exact wording of the statement, but basically - don't demand for results if you cannot understand the process or its limitations. It applies to more than just sound engineering. There are always musicians who throw around phrases like 'give me more reverb' without fully grasping the function of reverb. There are always musicians who refuse to use in-ear monitors and demand for more sound on their stage monitors (a nightmare when you have a small premise, simply because - hello overflow!). Don't make the sound engineer mad. Something that's been drilled into me since orchestra days.

During the three-day conference earlier this month, I met some amazing musicians, and strangely enough, the ones who were making the most demands on our poor sound engineer were those who knew the least about the whole process. There are ways to ask and then there are ways to ask. Working with the father-and-son team was great for me because they were simply amazing. They were quick to solve problems, extremely willing to share their expertise and they were ALERT THE WHOLE TIME. There were moments where there were just a couple of instruments playing or simply just voice and effects were added to enhance or to create an ambience. It is pretty darn amazing how competent they are.

Sound engineers are probably one of the most under-appreciated people in the industry. That should NOT be the case. So here's a shout-out to all the sound engineers out there - for what it's worth, I really really really appreciate the work you guys do. I'm sorry for the times I have been unreasonable - I am guilty of that too. Look me up, and I'd buy you a coffee. Or bake you a cake. Or a pastry.

Musings in June~

I am thankful for people in my life who take the time to get to know me and who continue to inspire me.

It's been an interesting month so far.

It started with the whole one and a half weeks leading up to the two-year anniversary of the celebration of Kak Y's life. It was a difficult time, but I tried to think of the legacy she left behind and the people she loved. She was loved. Still is. I miss her.

Life had to go on though, and from the previous post, we know I picked up crocheting. I've had this amazing individual who stepped into my life in a bigger role than he had taken for the past five years - he's been causing the churning of ideas. It started out as a silly little idea where I wanted to crochet an octopus using the balance of the yarn I had from the Stuffie project.

On April the 29th, as I was trying to work out the pattern into a more readable/understandable format, I came across this pattern for a tiny octopus measuring about 4cm across. I picked up my hook and started on it and in under an hour, came up with an adorable-looking octopus. I made another one (the pattern source said they were stackable! I had to test that out, right?) and lo and behold, stackable they were! There was a problem - they had frilly legs, not tentacles. I paid for a pattern with variations, downloaded the .pdf, and started experimenting.

Two days later, a lightbulb went off in my head as I was crocheting and chatting with the very same dear friend who now takes care of Stuffie. The Takoyarnies. That was what I was going to call them. It's funny and witty and absolutely adorable. (To you who know who you are that I am referring to - yes, it's adorable and don't you try to dispute it.)

I got more yarn of different colours, and from just one pattern, decided that I was going to have variations to my Takoyarnie Army and work up to a number large enough that they would look amazing when lined up in rows. Plus one sotong.

Long story short, I got 11 colours, made three octopi in 10 out of the 11 colours, and two sotongs out of the remaining one colour. I stitched little bead eyes on all 30 'yarnies, and stuck crazy eyes on the 2 sotongs - 'Tongs for short. All of them went in a small bag that went into my bigger bag and we took a trip down to where Stuffie made its home.

Look at them! They're adorable!

Stuffie's pretty glad to have more company now, and though nothing has happened yet, there are rumours that invasion will start soon, on a small scale at first and then - well. Rumours are but rumours, no?

On a different note, something new's started. Yeah sure. One can argue that it was back in January (or November). No, it wasn't an explosion or great big drama or anything like that. In fact, it feels really natural and comfortable. It feels nice. I now have a hand to hold and someone I can lean on.

Thank you for being willing to take a chance on me.

*photo courtesy of him who was willing to take a chance on this crazy lady.

The Voyage

It started with a knot. And a chain - and I was off to my first needlecraft project after a long long time.

The problem with me is that I see something and I decide - I want to make that. I'm going to make that. Maybe that's not the issue. The real issue is that I don't really want to take time to learn and master the basics, I just want dive in.

I delayed for a bit...took my time looking for the yarn and the other supplies I needed, getting up the nerve to start, knowing how I like to 'get on with it'. Finally though, I had a cause to make this for. I had someone in mind. And so it began.

Dear little Stuffie was the result of my endeavours and just recently, Stuffie got to go on a voyage.


Into the box little Stuffie hopped,
cushioned with peanuts and wrap that popped!

(The peanuts, of course, were the sort
of peanuts one could not just chomp)

All snuggly, tucked in, little Stuffie yawned
And closed its eyes to wait for dawn

Dawn took some time before it came;
Then little Stuffie went on its way!

The voyage stretched for many a day
with knocks and bumps along the way.

Whispers in the dark, stories shared
with parcels of all sizes - the little ones got scared.

Cold, alone, and feeling some fright,
Little Stuffie longed for the light.

And then finally there was a knock
'Sign here, ma'am, and here's your box'

The lady looked down, brows furrowed, but then
Signed on the form with a pen.

She put the parcel on the table
To wait for for the rightful owner's arrival.

She eyed the parcel suspiciously
And wondered of its origins - quite naturally.

On that table little Stuffie stayed
Keeping extra quiet, just in case.

Then a deep voice brought Stuffie awake
And left warm fuzzies in its wake!

Already little Stuffie felt like he
'Would surely come to care for me!'

He decided to wait on the mystery
Of what little Stuffie just might be.

Little Stuffie waited impatiently
As the voyage continued to its home-to-be.

The time came and the light streamed in
Little Stuffie was liberated from the dim!

"Colonel Stuffie, I dub thee
With Trusty Chompy - your loyal steed!"

Stuffie did the binky, as little bunnies do,
And wriggled its nose for a nuzzle too.


That was bad. But I tried! Have a picture of Colonel Stuffie and Trusty Chompy the loyal steed! Yes, they're zooming around the desk when no one's about. They make quite a pair!

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~~

"Psst Chompy -" said Stuffie, "I think they're gone!
C'mon let's go! To infinity and beyond!"

Pop?

I am thankful that the lessons were all pretty much already planned for me because I cannot imagine having to write lesson plans. I do still have to execute the lessons and make adjustments here and there, but the what to teach is pretty much mapped out for me in enough detail.

Somehow situations where I get thrown into the deep end of the pool always seem to find me. Here I am, sitting behind a schoolteacher's desk. I don't mind being a teacher, I don't mind dealing with eighteen nine-year olds.

Now here's that word we all don't like to hear. For the vast majority of the time. BUT -

There's that one song that talks about what it feels like when you're on the other side of the window, looking inside. That's what I feel like. I don't think I'm depressed - I haven't quite come to that state yet. But really, The way things are run, the way things are done - and my role in all of these. I'm not asking for much, just to understand what's going enough so I know how to plan. Enough info so that I don't have to scramble to find things out when parents email me asking about tests and field trips and so on and so forth.

Are parents nowadays overprotective or am I now simply on the receiving end of things the way they have always been?

I'm not equipped or trained to handle all this. I'm finding out about things last minute. I still have yet to successfully adjust to the way things work around here. The perspective of education is so different from what I am used to, and the incident just a week ago probably shook things up more than I'd like to admit, and this week has gotten a lot more intense. Snowballed? Avalanched? I don't know.

I took up some form of needlecraft earlier this year, and that has helped keep me sane during my three weeks here - to a certain degree. I'd like to actually talk to someone about all this stuff that's going on in my head. It's been a difficult week, despite my resolve to have a better week. This week, I've had my share of tears in the classroom when none of the kids or the other teachers are around. I wonder if I made my teachers cry.

It's seeming to get more difficult as things crop up at the last minute and I'm forced to put my music teaching aside, whether it is for activities where my attendance is required in school, or just for the lack of energy to deal with more people. I go home and just want to have quiet moments. But that's kind of impossible for me to do because hey, there are things that need to be done to contribute to the family. The pressure is rising and I feel like the pressure cooker that exploded on mum. Not to the point of exploding just yet, but if I don't let out the pressure slowly...that's bound to happen. Pretty soon.

This is only the end of week three. I have another four weeks to go. Boy oh boy.

If only for the sake of ending this post a little upbeat - my parcel got to its destination safely and my first needlecraft project of this sort was well-received. Yay~

Playlist7

Some days I don't feel like trying, some days I want to just give up.

It has been an extremely tough week. Two weeks, even. Looking ahead to the week that is to come, I don't know what to expect anymore.
Words unformed, hope forlorn.
Did I do the right thing?

My stand is justified. It doesn't mean though that I'd break my commitment. A commitment, once made, should be followed through till the end. I'd talk to someone about it but I don't know how.
Words unformed, hope forlorn.
Have I missed out on what could have been the open door?

Exciting things happened today, but perhaps as the day draws to a close, the unfortunate events overshadow the little way ahead I have come. Two little steps forward, halted by...I don't even know anymore.
Words unformed, hope forlorn.
I don't want a pity party. I want this to turn around. Soon. Really really soon.

It's a Playlist7 kind of night. Hello '70s and Sugarland.

I'm glad I got that off my chest. Not necessarily how I had wanted to, but hey. It's out there now. I can breathe easier. Maybe.

Hash time.

I'm thankful for the job I have :)

In just short of a weeks' time, I'll be starting temporarily 'full-time-ish' with this school I've been with as a substitute teacher. Just for eight weeks. It's a position that I'd never dreamed of having, mostly because I don't want to be tied down to a school syllabus. Nonetheless, I'm truly looking forward to this as a learning experience. Another deep end of the pool thing for me. (I seem to have a penchant for attracting situations of this nature.) At the same time, I'm glad this is not a permanent thing.

Teaching music independently is very very different. The majority of people don't understand why - to them it's all still teaching, right? While that's true, it's more the circumstances that are different. I had the opportunity last week to chat with a friend who's also having to explain and defend why she is not wanting to take up a different full-time-ish teaching position at an education centre. This gal and I - we sing the same tune.

It's simple, really, but only if you see it from the same viewpoint. I don't know if we're just odd for taking this angle of if others truly cannot comprehend. Then again, I'm odd. And weird. And eccentric. So read on if you will, stop here if you're just looking to argue and bash me down.

If I were to take a teaching job at an education centre, I would have things like lesson plans, curriculum meetings, an HOD to report to (oh, and all the higher-ups from there on up), reports to write, lots and lots and lots of marking to do (it's difficult enough for me to adjust to this system where I can't outrightly mark the student wrong) - the list goes on.

Then you tell me that I can take the job because hey, all my music students come in the afternoon...right? The thing is, with all this planning and marking and meetings...will I actually have enough energy to teach late into the evenings? You tell me that by taking this position I put myself out there and more people will know me so I'll inadvertently gain more students - hold up. If I had more students on top of this teaching position, where on earth am I going to find the time to slot them in? How sustainable do you think this will end up being in the long run?

Now read that, and then look at this.

As an independent music tutor, I still get the perks of journeying with the kids - and even some adult-esque students. I get to choose my own times, and maintain a fairly flexible schedule. I still get the perks of watching students achieve little goals. At the same time, I have the freedom to tap on each students' strength and use various methods to tackle the weaknesses of the same. I'm not constricted by time and a syllabus that says I have to teach 'all that' in the span of three months, five months, or even an entire school year. I tell my kids (yes, this is how I think of them affectionately) that it's okay if they take a little longer on the foundations. There are times I tell kids to leave a piece alone and not touch it for a week or two. I get uninterrupted one-on-one time with the kid and we get to do some pretty crazy things with music and flute playing. We get to rock out cute little duets and listen for harmonies. We get to do long tones for the entire lesson - and then when all the proper foundations are set, we can set targets, be they marked by repertoire, or overcoming performance anxieties and the like.

There are little pockets of time when my kids share their struggles in school with me, or when they just ask me silly questions. They may get distracted, but at the end of the day, what I find rewarding is that each of them have their own unique individual journeys and I get to be part of that on a closer level than what I would have teaching a class of 16 kids.

I was never a great student - I was lazy. But my flute tutor found a way to tap on my inner student and she really took time to bring the best out in me. I vaguely recall the times when she'd push me till I cried, but more vividly, I remember her walking with me, I remember the times when she'd just hang out with me and share parts of her life when she was learning the flute, or even when she was a music student with me.

She went the extra mile, and she taught me to love playing the flute. She taught me to be a musician, and not just one who attempted to play the notes off of a page. She showed me firsthand what a tutor should be. The amazing lady that she is.

For that, I am forever grateful to her and only hope that I am able to take after her example, and come even remotely close to being who she was to me, to my kids.

A bit of the random: Poke me, I'll deflate. Wanna take a guess?