Three and a Half Years.

Thanksgiving. I am grateful for the people around me who love me and take time out for me. (A shout out to Dad and Mum and the whole jing gang, Host Dad and Mum, Che LL and Bang J, Boss FJ and clan, Staffworker G, WK, JLynn, Bang Z, The Panel, XHZ, E and R, Sisterrrrrr C, JF, JL and Lil Bro J!) Thanksgiving. I am thankful for the different ones who have sown into my life with prayer, words of encouragement, shared knowledge, just a willingness to contribute to my journey. Thanksgiving. I am overwhelmed by God's mercy and His goodness, by His faithfulness and His grace. Thanksgiving. I am thankful for teh peng at the mamak and Taiwan iced milk tea at Boss' favourite hangout. Thanksgiving. I am in awe at the simultaneous simplicity and complexity of Him who is my Saviour. Thanksgiving. I am filled with gratitude for what He does in my life...in His time.

I played my concluding recital yesterday. Three and a half years of highs and lows, working toward this.

The day before, the Lord graciously brought the conclusion to this period that I have as a student in my college. He revealed what the additional six months was for. He brought me to the pinnacle of my life's journey up to this point in time. I came home and spent some time with Che LL - originally intended as a time of prayer but turned into the revelation and breakthrough in music and worship - and she dug with me to uncover some deeply rooted fears that I had with regards to exams and performances. After my guard was let down, she threw me a curve-ball by asking - "What is your instrument?". In my mind, it was a funny question, but perhaps she wanted me to speak it out. I responded with the very obvious "My flute.". She shook her head and asked me twice more.

Earlier this year, one of the running slogans for my college's open day was 'art isn't sensible, it's spiritual'. Dad linked me a sermon just last week by Rev. David Jeremiah and he said something that pried a buried part of me open. Spiritual worship is not so much a state of the art as it is the state of the heart. Dad was talking to me about the importance of using the gifts that God has given me and using it every possible moment. He was talking about writing songs, playing the flute, serving with my instrument whenever possible.

When Che LL continued with the conversation, she talked about how music is fueled by emotions, feelings. Music requires a stimulant to have a voice. She talked about how artists turn to drugs and such for the illusion of a stimulant. She talked about how instruments are man-made, but the heart is God-made.

Late May/early June of this year saw a ravaging of things and people who were so dear to my heart. I was battered down and so broken and discouraged. The encouragement was that things had to happen the way they did so God could work on my heart. God brought people around me - His family - people who helped me get up and cheered me on as I started walking again. People who gave of themselves - not because they owed me anything, but just because they wanted to bless me. Contrary to the satisfaction that I had, thinking that getting up and walking again was the whole point, God began piecing my heart back together to get it ready for the day when He revealed the whole purpose of this additional six months.

He revealed these things to me when the time was right. I thought of Kak Y and began to see how she put her heart into everything she did, especially when she sang unto Him. She didn't have to say that she did - it was obvious. It showed. God taught me that when I put my heart into what I do, I shall open and no one shall shut, and I shall shut and no one shall open. He has given me something so precious, and in His time, He has taught me to use this weapon.

Spending time with Him in the morning is refreshing.

This race has come to its conclusion for me, and as I look back, I am beginning to see His hand upon every step of the way. I am thankful that His purpose has come to pass and excited for what is ahead.

I am victorious in Him who says I am. I have overcome for my God gives me strength!

The Warrior is a Child

Lately I've been winning battles left and right

But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
I'm strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all these tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while

'Coz deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
I never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while

'Coz deep inside this armor

The warrior is a child

This song was brought to me again the week before my birthday. This was one of Kak Y's favourite songs. Tears welling up, I sat at the piano and played this while Che LL sang.

I was reminded of the battle that Kak Y fought for two years or so. I was reminded of how she always told me that it's okay to cry. Today I saw another side of her as I caught up with a friend of ours. David comes to mind - how he sought the Lord as his refuge, how he sought the Lord for his comfort, and how he cried to the Lord in all those times of tiredness and distress. The good ol' Psalms.

The Lord opened the door for me the start baking again. Fund raising for the field, I guess. He's equipped me with such varied skills and most say that it's amazing. But just like the song says, I may be a warrior, but I'm also very much a child. There's a lot of uncertainty. As I'm writing this, He's showing me that this uncertainty needs to be transformed into a reliance and trust on Him.

Many a time I fall into the trap of uncertainty and this leads to me putting up a false front of confidence or avoiding the situation altogether. This is not what surrender is. It's scary to realise how far from 'home' I've run. I need to go home because the further I run, the more I'm going to fall.

Time flies and it's almost the end of the semester. Getting right with Him is a daily thing. *hits self on head* The next few months is going to be critical for what is coming next.

The song is a timely reminder that being vulnerable is alright - only in front of Him. And my parents. I've discovered that I'm actually really worried about how my parents are going to view my next step when I don't even know what's coming. I'm so afraid of being in the wrong lane and unable to switch lanes when I arrive at the crossroad.

The crossroad is approaching. I am but a child.

Sugar water (wink wink)

I thank the Lord that Nihplod is back safely.

Nihplod was in Cambodia for an internship and he was there for some time. I know that even though he's here in Singapore, we rarely meet, but still. It makes a difference.

I met up with him today and we did random things like get a haircut, get soap and a torchlight, get lunch (he tried sugar cane and lemon for the first time!) and then get hangers. And we chose a new scent for my room. Have I ever mentioned that I love Nihplod? Well I do.

This month has been interesting, I suppose. Over the past week, I got to cook for my housemates and enjoy fellowship with them. They have been great, and have been looking out for me when I was ill just a week ago. Weekends have been a good time to catch just a little more rest.

I thank the Lord for His provision - I was given a position as a student assistant in one of the departments in college. Simple work, pays well, and timing is flexible. I don't have to travel extra, and the others in the office are wonderful people.

I thank the Lord for AS. He came all the way from RCM, London, and I had a precious half hour with him. He addressed a lot of issues regarding HIP and that cleared up quite a bit of the muddle for me. I also thank the Lord for WK, who messed up his sleep schedule so he could accompany me for the short masterclass, and for his willingness to help. He went through a lot of the issues again in our rehearsal a couple of days later and even used his violin to demonstrate different things so I would get a clearer picture.

All these wonderful people God has put in my life and wonderful opportunities He has given to me. He is good. I now celebrate His goodness with fan shu tong sui! Hehe. Not enough ginger this time round though. Still yummy! The best part is - I get to fellowship with my housemates over the tong sui!

Lord, I trust You.

Lord, I thank You for sustaining me and for carrying me through this period.

The oh-so-common story, Footprints in the Sand, comes to mind when I think about what has happened in the past few weeks.

I said goodbye to my home of two years and eight months (give or take) and ventured out. The story goes like this:

I looked at a couple of rooms before I left to go home for two weeks, and didn't feel an inclination toward either. I was in church when this lady I know stopped me and spoke to me, trying to find out if I was okay - she knew I was close to Y Dear. In our conversation, she shared with me how Y Dear still spoke of me towards the end, how Y Dear thought of me. After a good cry, she asked me what else was going on and I shared with her about my search for a place. She stood a little straighter and then said that she had a vacant room in a property she owned.

After arranging for an evening where I would be able to view the place, I went home and told my parents about it. When I went to see the flat, I walked in and felt like I was home. I would have free rein on the kitchen, and everything was there. Excited, grateful and elated that I had found 'home', I spoke to my parents again and we started getting the contract in the works.

And then it fell through.

I asked God why. I asked Him what was going on. The reminded of what the Word of the Lord says, I started thanking Him for showing me that He was taking care of me, by bringing His people around me to demonstrate His love. Feeling reassured, the search continued. One of my CG mates was out with me one weekend and he wound up asking his mum if she knew of anyone looking to rent a room out. Again, things started falling into place and I ended up going to see that place.

It was nice. The other lady staying there was nice too - but I have to admit that I still had the earlier place playing at the back of my mind. In this place though, I wouldn't be able to cook or bake like I wanted to. Mentally, I still thanked the Lord for providing but I told them that I would get back to them in a week. It wasn't my ideal place, but I surrendered and I told myself that God knows best. He knows what I need in this season.

My parents and I continued praying about the move that I was going to make and they told me to sleep on it.

Sunday came and I was in church. The sermon was on expanding our faith. I have always prided myself on having a lot of faith, but the whole process and the talks with my host parents and parents had me rethinking what I thought was 'faith'. Listening to this sermon sparked something in me and on that day, I said "Lord, I trust You.". Four simple words. The accommodation, the finances, the module registration, everything. I told Him I didn't want to fret or be anxious. I trust Him.

Having lunch with my CG as per normal, we walked over to the food court and my phone rang. The husband to the lady who owned the earlier place was on the line, and he basically reoffered me the room. They ended up not renting out the place to the other couple who was interested and he wanted to know if I still wanted the room. The line got cut off before I could say much or ask anything, and I sat there in awe and wonder. "Wow, God, wow. Just wow.". I texted my parents and prayed with them that evening. I texted the lady, we'll call her Ibu L. Ibu L confirmed that they wanted to reoffer the room to me.

Two days later, she texted me and told me that they decided to offer the room to me at a lower rate than was previously agreed upon. God provides! I got my keys the following Sunday and everything just fell into place from there. I ended up not having to have a guardian sign on my behalf, I collected my Student Pass without any hitches, and I started moving in.

The Lord blessed me with GG and KB who helped me move my first few boxes, and then WW who helped with the second batch, and finally, F. F helped with the final move-in. He reminded me that when He does something, He does it all the way and more. My host parents blessed me financially with a sum and they prayed for me as I began this new phase on my own.

The Lord also blessed me with L who will be passing me a few things, including an electric mixer! On Sunday, I was hanging out with G. I casually mentioned that I was going to get a second fan for circulation's sake. She asked why not an air cooler? I thought about it and I decided, yes, I shall get an air cooler. Then. Then she said "I have an extra one. You can have it. I'll send it over to your place sometime this week.".

Didn't I say that God goes all the way and more?

Another highlight this month was that J got baptised! Walking through with her was such an experience - a victorious one! My prayer is that she continues to grow in the Lord as He transforms and renews her and makes her His princess!

A tribute to you.

How do I praise You

When sorrow's so deep?

When pain like a knife cuts?

And I feel so weak?

When even tears fail me -

Yet this I will do

I say to my soul

I will praise You.

I will praise You 'coz You're worthy

For Your mercy everyday

I will praise You for Your loving kindness;

You're good in all Your ways

I will praise You in my darkest hour

I will bless Your name.

Jesus You're making all things new;

I will praise You.

I will remember

All Your goodness to me

You put a new song in my mouth Lord

When You set me free

I will rejoice

For all my springs are in You

So with eyes lifted up to Heaven

I will praise You

She's gone. It hurts. Lord, how do I praise You?

I was home with my parents and sorting through some things. Failure, disappointment, rejection. Then You took her home. I didn't get to say goodbye. So many were asking 'Why?', I was just numb. I tried to put myself in your shoes, tried to comfort others who felt the same loss - I ended up being the one comforted.

Monday, the 10th of June, 2013 and at approximately 1600hrs++. That was when you went home.

In the three years or so that we spent together, you not only came to be part of my life but you let me be part of yours. Being obnoxious together, doing silly things like wearing the same colour just for the fun of it, you helping me through bouts of homesickness, you transitioning from PC to mac, meals we shared here and there, even bringing me into that little group who served during that Indonesia United concert, you didn't quite understand why I had to go all the way to Japan but you supported me nonetheless - it's hard to grasp that you're gone.

This post is harder to write than I thought it would be.

I remember how you'd encourage me to play more. You were one of the first in our little family to see me in a public performance. I have a second chance now. You'll watch up there with our Father, won't you?

The talks we had, about simple things, sometimes even what seemed trivial to others. You never went off on the whole 'Your World' thing. At least I don't remember you saying that. You watched me grow, you helped me grow in some ways. You told me it's okay to cry. You shared your own experiences and I couldn't help but wonder if you had someone like you when you first came. You were compassionate even to your last breath.

At only 28, you impacted people. You left your mark. You made a difference. That's the only reason why we feel such a loss at your return to our Father.

Journey: Destination Paradise. Paradise is where you are, dear Kak. You spent my first birthday here with me and you never said no to meeting up. You pressed to know what was going on with me even when I was clamming up.

That space that you occupy in my heart...you will always be there. I wonder - if I ask God to pass you a message, would He?

Thank you for being a mentor. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for being an elder sister and a role model. Thank you for never tiring of listening to me and offering wisdom in advice, or even just for praying for me when you didn't quite know what to say. Thank you for everything.

I miss you.

Think on these things...

I thank the Lord for reminders.

I know it's been a while. I'm in my last semester of college, and today, I had a chance to reflect on stuff that God has done in my life and in my family.

 Just a little thank you card I happened to make :)

Walking out of the examination hall today after my last Stylistic Studies paper (by the grace of God), I bumped into a friend. Two years my junior and from the Christian Fellowship (which I hardly attended this semester), AT decided to have lunch with me. We were having a pleasant discussion about a few matters and I got to share my principles. As with every conversation, some background of the other person always helps one to understand why they believe what they do. I started sharing little testimonies about what God has done in my family and why it seems like my choices are really extreme. In doing that, I got to talk about the wonderful, wonderful family God has placed me in, and I got to share about how God has never failed to come through for us in all these years. He was quiet and when I asked if I had offended him, he responded that what I said had gotten him thinking.

In truth, it got me thinking too. My parents are always reminding me that I should recount what God has done and meditate on those things. I realise that I could go on and on about God's hand on my family, and me, and I realise that I kind-of-sort-of got a glimpse of what God's instructions to the Israelites were. In Exodus, God commands the people to tell of His deeds to their children and their children's children.

I remember asking my dad who his spiritual parents were. He paused in thought, and then said that he didn't really have spiritual parents. I followed with a question about how he and mum learnt to be Godly parents, seeing as how they didn't have parents who modeled that for them, being first generation believers. He said that he and mum just followed what God said in the Bible about parenting. Honour, gratitude, obedience, the importance of being part of a family - these are all areas that my parents brought us up in and made sure that we practised. I may not have understood when I was young, but after the sermon on Sunday about the keys we need in facing trials (four things, very briefly - the support of fathers, family, community and trust in God who is our Rock), things are beginning to become clear.

Speaking of what God has done always leaves me in a place where I am astounded at how the human nature in me blurs out how much God believes in me. It leaves me in a place of self-doubt, pertaining to my ability and capability to perform. It results in stage fright. The root of the matter is that fear of man takes over. The inferiority complex cripples me from being all that He has destined for me to be.

A week ago, I posed a question to my host dad - where do we draw the line between being faithful and striving? I have not really thought it through, but the answer he gave me was that in both, we have to make an active effort, but striving comes when we start overdoing things and relying on ourselves and our abilities. Basically, we reach a point where we burn out.

I am going to make it a point to recount what God has done, recognise the favour upon my life just because I am His daughter, and step into the purpose that He has ordained for me. It takes effort, but the goal is that it becomes so natural and so integrated into my daily life.

Fried rice and other stuff.

I thank God for the fried rice, pencils and my amazing Mum and sister, caring host parents and safe flights.

Yes, I am thanking Him for fried rice. Yes, I seriously am thanking God for fried rice. It's a funny story, really.

I had a craving for fried rice on Monday at lunchtime. I didn't want to cook...I wanted fried rice in a cardboard box lined with a plastic sheet. I wanted flash-fried fried rice. So I took a little walk. I had a little adventure searching for an ATM, and then my quest began. I walked into the nearest food court and surveyed the stalls...and there were none that had fried rice on the menu. I was confused. I'm pretty sure I'm living in Singapore, and this is a food court in a residential area...I did a double take and I walked around again. Really. No fried rice. Puzzled, I walked to the next food court, surveyed the stalls again, only to find none that had fried rice on the menu! I shook my head, telling myself I must have missed it. I searched again, inquiring at a few of the stalls. Really. No fried rice. I saw another food court and decided to scout that one out. I walked in, it wasn't very big. It had one stall for beverages and another for food. The menu was more localised but consisted of mainly noodles. No fried rice. By this time, I was getting a little annoyed. This is Singapore. The community is largely chinese, and there is no yong chow chow fun in three out of three food courts? Not to complain or anything, but really, that's not quite acceptable. I mean, I could get western cuisine, Italian cuisine, Korean cuisine, Japanese cuisine, Indian cuisine, Chinese cuisine....but the Chinese cuisine has no fried rice? I think fried rice is a staple. That may be subjective, but fried rice as a staple is only logical, no?

I saw one more food court. I was ready to just get something else but I decided to give it one last shot. I walked in, walked up to one of the stalls and surveyed their menu. I was about to order something else when...YONG CHOW CHOW FUN jumped out at me. I was so happy I did a little jig and the lady waiting to take my order furrowed her brow slightly at the crazy girl standing in front of the menu. I was too happy to care what she thought. I placed my order and paid for it, grinning like the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland while I watched the chef fry up my order. He put some oil in the wok, swirled it around and poured the excess out. Yay! No oily fried rice! He fried up my rice and put it in a cardboard box that was lined with a plastic sheet. The box then was put in a plastic bag, a little bag of fresh cut green chilli and a plastic spoon thrown in and then handed to the ecstatic customer.

I got home, and was thoroughly satisfied with my lunch. It wasn't oily, it wasn't too salty. Perhaps next time I'll eat it over two meals though. The portion was BIG, and it only cost me $3.50! I thank God for yong chow chow fun!

Pencils. A friend of mine 'borrowed' my favourite pencil one Friday. When I say 'borrowed', I mean she pulled it out of my hand while I was using it and I had to reluctantly let go. This pencil holds sentimental value. In memory of my first orchestra camp, the mechanical pencil with the blue barrel comes with a cap - perfect for carrying around in your pocket or instrument case without getting messy. Being in orchestra camp, your pencil is your best friend. So Little Trusty Blue was gently snatched from my hand (yes, that was on purpose) and subsequently lost. I was searching my bags, turning my room upside down when I remembered that she had borrowed Little Trusty Blue and I called her. I finally got hold of her and she searched her bag and couldn't find my pencil. I was pretty depressed. I told my Mum about it and she laughed at me. But then, she went with my younger sister to this little stationery shop that has been around forever back home, and they bought me a replacement for Little Trusty Blue!!! So yes, I may be the eccentric one, but Mum loves her eccentric daughter all the same and when she does little things like that...*happy sighs*. I can't wait to get back home!

My host parents. I couldn't have better host parents. They got back from a trip...and that evening, my temperature peaked. Lovingly, they took me to a clinic to see a doctor, they paid for the consultation and the medication, and then they would buy soup and rice home for my meals, they'd make sure that I was recovering alright, they would try to make sure that I'm comfortable (they always have) and I could just sum it up by saying that they really treat me as part of the family, as if I was really their daughter. We're having more meals together now, and that's really nice. I like being part of a family, feeling like I belong.

As for safe flights, lots of loved ones have been flying around, for mission trips, for camps, for major moves, and God has been good. They have all arrived safely, journeys going without a hitch, and soon I will be bus-ing and then flying together with my Da Jie and Jie Fu to join the rest of the family for Christmas!

This will probably be my last post for the year, so I wish you all a Blessed Christmas, wonderful times with loved ones, and a Happy New Year!