The Warrior is a Child

Lately I've been winning battles left and right

But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
I'm strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all these tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while

'Coz deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
I never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while

'Coz deep inside this armor

The warrior is a child

This song was brought to me again the week before my birthday. This was one of Kak Y's favourite songs. Tears welling up, I sat at the piano and played this while Che LL sang.

I was reminded of the battle that Kak Y fought for two years or so. I was reminded of how she always told me that it's okay to cry. Today I saw another side of her as I caught up with a friend of ours. David comes to mind - how he sought the Lord as his refuge, how he sought the Lord for his comfort, and how he cried to the Lord in all those times of tiredness and distress. The good ol' Psalms.

The Lord opened the door for me the start baking again. Fund raising for the field, I guess. He's equipped me with such varied skills and most say that it's amazing. But just like the song says, I may be a warrior, but I'm also very much a child. There's a lot of uncertainty. As I'm writing this, He's showing me that this uncertainty needs to be transformed into a reliance and trust on Him.

Many a time I fall into the trap of uncertainty and this leads to me putting up a false front of confidence or avoiding the situation altogether. This is not what surrender is. It's scary to realise how far from 'home' I've run. I need to go home because the further I run, the more I'm going to fall.

Time flies and it's almost the end of the semester. Getting right with Him is a daily thing. *hits self on head* The next few months is going to be critical for what is coming next.

The song is a timely reminder that being vulnerable is alright - only in front of Him. And my parents. I've discovered that I'm actually really worried about how my parents are going to view my next step when I don't even know what's coming. I'm so afraid of being in the wrong lane and unable to switch lanes when I arrive at the crossroad.

The crossroad is approaching. I am but a child.