Lord, I trust You.

Lord, I thank You for sustaining me and for carrying me through this period.

The oh-so-common story, Footprints in the Sand, comes to mind when I think about what has happened in the past few weeks.

I said goodbye to my home of two years and eight months (give or take) and ventured out. The story goes like this:

I looked at a couple of rooms before I left to go home for two weeks, and didn't feel an inclination toward either. I was in church when this lady I know stopped me and spoke to me, trying to find out if I was okay - she knew I was close to Y Dear. In our conversation, she shared with me how Y Dear still spoke of me towards the end, how Y Dear thought of me. After a good cry, she asked me what else was going on and I shared with her about my search for a place. She stood a little straighter and then said that she had a vacant room in a property she owned.

After arranging for an evening where I would be able to view the place, I went home and told my parents about it. When I went to see the flat, I walked in and felt like I was home. I would have free rein on the kitchen, and everything was there. Excited, grateful and elated that I had found 'home', I spoke to my parents again and we started getting the contract in the works.

And then it fell through.

I asked God why. I asked Him what was going on. The reminded of what the Word of the Lord says, I started thanking Him for showing me that He was taking care of me, by bringing His people around me to demonstrate His love. Feeling reassured, the search continued. One of my CG mates was out with me one weekend and he wound up asking his mum if she knew of anyone looking to rent a room out. Again, things started falling into place and I ended up going to see that place.

It was nice. The other lady staying there was nice too - but I have to admit that I still had the earlier place playing at the back of my mind. In this place though, I wouldn't be able to cook or bake like I wanted to. Mentally, I still thanked the Lord for providing but I told them that I would get back to them in a week. It wasn't my ideal place, but I surrendered and I told myself that God knows best. He knows what I need in this season.

My parents and I continued praying about the move that I was going to make and they told me to sleep on it.

Sunday came and I was in church. The sermon was on expanding our faith. I have always prided myself on having a lot of faith, but the whole process and the talks with my host parents and parents had me rethinking what I thought was 'faith'. Listening to this sermon sparked something in me and on that day, I said "Lord, I trust You.". Four simple words. The accommodation, the finances, the module registration, everything. I told Him I didn't want to fret or be anxious. I trust Him.

Having lunch with my CG as per normal, we walked over to the food court and my phone rang. The husband to the lady who owned the earlier place was on the line, and he basically reoffered me the room. They ended up not renting out the place to the other couple who was interested and he wanted to know if I still wanted the room. The line got cut off before I could say much or ask anything, and I sat there in awe and wonder. "Wow, God, wow. Just wow.". I texted my parents and prayed with them that evening. I texted the lady, we'll call her Ibu L. Ibu L confirmed that they wanted to reoffer the room to me.

Two days later, she texted me and told me that they decided to offer the room to me at a lower rate than was previously agreed upon. God provides! I got my keys the following Sunday and everything just fell into place from there. I ended up not having to have a guardian sign on my behalf, I collected my Student Pass without any hitches, and I started moving in.

The Lord blessed me with GG and KB who helped me move my first few boxes, and then WW who helped with the second batch, and finally, F. F helped with the final move-in. He reminded me that when He does something, He does it all the way and more. My host parents blessed me financially with a sum and they prayed for me as I began this new phase on my own.

The Lord also blessed me with L who will be passing me a few things, including an electric mixer! On Sunday, I was hanging out with G. I casually mentioned that I was going to get a second fan for circulation's sake. She asked why not an air cooler? I thought about it and I decided, yes, I shall get an air cooler. Then. Then she said "I have an extra one. You can have it. I'll send it over to your place sometime this week.".

Didn't I say that God goes all the way and more?

Another highlight this month was that J got baptised! Walking through with her was such an experience - a victorious one! My prayer is that she continues to grow in the Lord as He transforms and renews her and makes her His princess!

A tribute to you.

How do I praise You

When sorrow's so deep?

When pain like a knife cuts?

And I feel so weak?

When even tears fail me -

Yet this I will do

I say to my soul

I will praise You.

I will praise You 'coz You're worthy

For Your mercy everyday

I will praise You for Your loving kindness;

You're good in all Your ways

I will praise You in my darkest hour

I will bless Your name.

Jesus You're making all things new;

I will praise You.

I will remember

All Your goodness to me

You put a new song in my mouth Lord

When You set me free

I will rejoice

For all my springs are in You

So with eyes lifted up to Heaven

I will praise You

She's gone. It hurts. Lord, how do I praise You?

I was home with my parents and sorting through some things. Failure, disappointment, rejection. Then You took her home. I didn't get to say goodbye. So many were asking 'Why?', I was just numb. I tried to put myself in your shoes, tried to comfort others who felt the same loss - I ended up being the one comforted.

Monday, the 10th of June, 2013 and at approximately 1600hrs++. That was when you went home.

In the three years or so that we spent together, you not only came to be part of my life but you let me be part of yours. Being obnoxious together, doing silly things like wearing the same colour just for the fun of it, you helping me through bouts of homesickness, you transitioning from PC to mac, meals we shared here and there, even bringing me into that little group who served during that Indonesia United concert, you didn't quite understand why I had to go all the way to Japan but you supported me nonetheless - it's hard to grasp that you're gone.

This post is harder to write than I thought it would be.

I remember how you'd encourage me to play more. You were one of the first in our little family to see me in a public performance. I have a second chance now. You'll watch up there with our Father, won't you?

The talks we had, about simple things, sometimes even what seemed trivial to others. You never went off on the whole 'Your World' thing. At least I don't remember you saying that. You watched me grow, you helped me grow in some ways. You told me it's okay to cry. You shared your own experiences and I couldn't help but wonder if you had someone like you when you first came. You were compassionate even to your last breath.

At only 28, you impacted people. You left your mark. You made a difference. That's the only reason why we feel such a loss at your return to our Father.

Journey: Destination Paradise. Paradise is where you are, dear Kak. You spent my first birthday here with me and you never said no to meeting up. You pressed to know what was going on with me even when I was clamming up.

That space that you occupy in my heart...you will always be there. I wonder - if I ask God to pass you a message, would He?

Thank you for being a mentor. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for being an elder sister and a role model. Thank you for never tiring of listening to me and offering wisdom in advice, or even just for praying for me when you didn't quite know what to say. Thank you for everything.

I miss you.

Think on these things...

I thank the Lord for reminders.

I know it's been a while. I'm in my last semester of college, and today, I had a chance to reflect on stuff that God has done in my life and in my family.

 Just a little thank you card I happened to make :)

Walking out of the examination hall today after my last Stylistic Studies paper (by the grace of God), I bumped into a friend. Two years my junior and from the Christian Fellowship (which I hardly attended this semester), AT decided to have lunch with me. We were having a pleasant discussion about a few matters and I got to share my principles. As with every conversation, some background of the other person always helps one to understand why they believe what they do. I started sharing little testimonies about what God has done in my family and why it seems like my choices are really extreme. In doing that, I got to talk about the wonderful, wonderful family God has placed me in, and I got to share about how God has never failed to come through for us in all these years. He was quiet and when I asked if I had offended him, he responded that what I said had gotten him thinking.

In truth, it got me thinking too. My parents are always reminding me that I should recount what God has done and meditate on those things. I realise that I could go on and on about God's hand on my family, and me, and I realise that I kind-of-sort-of got a glimpse of what God's instructions to the Israelites were. In Exodus, God commands the people to tell of His deeds to their children and their children's children.

I remember asking my dad who his spiritual parents were. He paused in thought, and then said that he didn't really have spiritual parents. I followed with a question about how he and mum learnt to be Godly parents, seeing as how they didn't have parents who modeled that for them, being first generation believers. He said that he and mum just followed what God said in the Bible about parenting. Honour, gratitude, obedience, the importance of being part of a family - these are all areas that my parents brought us up in and made sure that we practised. I may not have understood when I was young, but after the sermon on Sunday about the keys we need in facing trials (four things, very briefly - the support of fathers, family, community and trust in God who is our Rock), things are beginning to become clear.

Speaking of what God has done always leaves me in a place where I am astounded at how the human nature in me blurs out how much God believes in me. It leaves me in a place of self-doubt, pertaining to my ability and capability to perform. It results in stage fright. The root of the matter is that fear of man takes over. The inferiority complex cripples me from being all that He has destined for me to be.

A week ago, I posed a question to my host dad - where do we draw the line between being faithful and striving? I have not really thought it through, but the answer he gave me was that in both, we have to make an active effort, but striving comes when we start overdoing things and relying on ourselves and our abilities. Basically, we reach a point where we burn out.

I am going to make it a point to recount what God has done, recognise the favour upon my life just because I am His daughter, and step into the purpose that He has ordained for me. It takes effort, but the goal is that it becomes so natural and so integrated into my daily life.

Fried rice and other stuff.

I thank God for the fried rice, pencils and my amazing Mum and sister, caring host parents and safe flights.

Yes, I am thanking Him for fried rice. Yes, I seriously am thanking God for fried rice. It's a funny story, really.

I had a craving for fried rice on Monday at lunchtime. I didn't want to cook...I wanted fried rice in a cardboard box lined with a plastic sheet. I wanted flash-fried fried rice. So I took a little walk. I had a little adventure searching for an ATM, and then my quest began. I walked into the nearest food court and surveyed the stalls...and there were none that had fried rice on the menu. I was confused. I'm pretty sure I'm living in Singapore, and this is a food court in a residential area...I did a double take and I walked around again. Really. No fried rice. Puzzled, I walked to the next food court, surveyed the stalls again, only to find none that had fried rice on the menu! I shook my head, telling myself I must have missed it. I searched again, inquiring at a few of the stalls. Really. No fried rice. I saw another food court and decided to scout that one out. I walked in, it wasn't very big. It had one stall for beverages and another for food. The menu was more localised but consisted of mainly noodles. No fried rice. By this time, I was getting a little annoyed. This is Singapore. The community is largely chinese, and there is no yong chow chow fun in three out of three food courts? Not to complain or anything, but really, that's not quite acceptable. I mean, I could get western cuisine, Italian cuisine, Korean cuisine, Japanese cuisine, Indian cuisine, Chinese cuisine....but the Chinese cuisine has no fried rice? I think fried rice is a staple. That may be subjective, but fried rice as a staple is only logical, no?

I saw one more food court. I was ready to just get something else but I decided to give it one last shot. I walked in, walked up to one of the stalls and surveyed their menu. I was about to order something else when...YONG CHOW CHOW FUN jumped out at me. I was so happy I did a little jig and the lady waiting to take my order furrowed her brow slightly at the crazy girl standing in front of the menu. I was too happy to care what she thought. I placed my order and paid for it, grinning like the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland while I watched the chef fry up my order. He put some oil in the wok, swirled it around and poured the excess out. Yay! No oily fried rice! He fried up my rice and put it in a cardboard box that was lined with a plastic sheet. The box then was put in a plastic bag, a little bag of fresh cut green chilli and a plastic spoon thrown in and then handed to the ecstatic customer.

I got home, and was thoroughly satisfied with my lunch. It wasn't oily, it wasn't too salty. Perhaps next time I'll eat it over two meals though. The portion was BIG, and it only cost me $3.50! I thank God for yong chow chow fun!

Pencils. A friend of mine 'borrowed' my favourite pencil one Friday. When I say 'borrowed', I mean she pulled it out of my hand while I was using it and I had to reluctantly let go. This pencil holds sentimental value. In memory of my first orchestra camp, the mechanical pencil with the blue barrel comes with a cap - perfect for carrying around in your pocket or instrument case without getting messy. Being in orchestra camp, your pencil is your best friend. So Little Trusty Blue was gently snatched from my hand (yes, that was on purpose) and subsequently lost. I was searching my bags, turning my room upside down when I remembered that she had borrowed Little Trusty Blue and I called her. I finally got hold of her and she searched her bag and couldn't find my pencil. I was pretty depressed. I told my Mum about it and she laughed at me. But then, she went with my younger sister to this little stationery shop that has been around forever back home, and they bought me a replacement for Little Trusty Blue!!! So yes, I may be the eccentric one, but Mum loves her eccentric daughter all the same and when she does little things like that...*happy sighs*. I can't wait to get back home!

My host parents. I couldn't have better host parents. They got back from a trip...and that evening, my temperature peaked. Lovingly, they took me to a clinic to see a doctor, they paid for the consultation and the medication, and then they would buy soup and rice home for my meals, they'd make sure that I was recovering alright, they would try to make sure that I'm comfortable (they always have) and I could just sum it up by saying that they really treat me as part of the family, as if I was really their daughter. We're having more meals together now, and that's really nice. I like being part of a family, feeling like I belong.

As for safe flights, lots of loved ones have been flying around, for mission trips, for camps, for major moves, and God has been good. They have all arrived safely, journeys going without a hitch, and soon I will be bus-ing and then flying together with my Da Jie and Jie Fu to join the rest of the family for Christmas!

This will probably be my last post for the year, so I wish you all a Blessed Christmas, wonderful times with loved ones, and a Happy New Year!

*Happy Sighs*

Four months since and I thank the Lord my God for His mercy and His grace and for His amazing, unconditional, incontestable love for me.

He has been doing wonderful things in stages, and I thank Him for the grace that comes with His reprimands. He takes care of the tiny minute things, not just the big things. It just blows my mind when I think of the number of His children crying out to Him, and the attention He gives to each and every one of us. A loving Father indeed.

I have another eight months for this chapter of my life. To be honest, I don't want these remaining eight months. Yes, that's right. To be submitted to Him, I know that these eight months are the last few pages of this chapter. How then, I ask myself, do I make these eight months into something sweet that would bring glory to Him? There have been so many recounts of the lives of different people in the Bible that have come to me, and I asked Him which were from Him and which were just me. Would I try to escape? Jonah. Would He take me out of the situation? The children of Israel. On that note, (the Children of Israel, I mean) He has provided manna and quail for me.

Actually, I'm going to take that spin off. There's this book called The Journey of Israel, which talks about the parallels of the Journey of Israel and our spiritual journeys. I'm still wandering in the wilderness, and it's pretty amusing to see how it pretty much came down to Him providing 'manna' almost literally. It's kind of cool. Anyway, back to what I was saying, He revealed a little more of His purpose for me this morning in church. I was planning on going for the first service and then leaving but the way He spoke to me during the first service made me stay, and I was truly blessed. I was confused about a few things. I knew what He was saying to me, but how was I to go about getting there. Should I drop out of college?

Should I drop out of college?

Should I drop out now?

Why should I even have to go through the coming semester exams if-



"Oh, shut up, my daughter"

*looks around, startled*

*squeaks* "Okay, Daddy God"



No, that's not what happened.  I got home after picking up my favourite sweater (which my Mum lovingly sent through a church friend who was traveling this way) and I had a chat with my host parents. Oh, how could I not mention this. They are such a great blessing to me, loving me the way they do. It's truly amazing I tell you. So in the chat with my host parents, they confirmed a few things that DG impressed upon my heart this morning, and they addressed the whole college issue (which I didn't even mention) and well, it's always encouraging to know that you don't have to walk alone. That's what they keep reminding me.

"You don't have to be superwoman. You can cry, you can come talk to us. We were there once too."

Could I ask for better host parents?

So much to be thankful for, but also so much work I have to step up to. It's exam period for the next three weeks. Say a little prayer for me!

A Call.

All praise to Him who inspires.

It's been a downward spiral for a bit. Well for the whole of last semester, actually. I have pretty much been on my own without inspiration, without passion to propel me forward. Yes, God has been speaking, and He's been good. He's a source of inspiration, and looking back at how He has provided for me over the past year...do I really need more convincing?

Yes, there are Selah moments, but there also comes the time when the moment is over and it comes time to rise up. Final year is approaching. I'm girding up and I'm going forth.

There is much to do. The harvest is plentiful but the labourers are few. This is a season where the Christians in this nation are being tested. I urge those who are reading this, to war in the prayer closet and not out in public. To rest in assurance in Him. To let Him fight the battle for us. Does this mean we sit back and do nothing? Certainly not. This is a call to rise up, to equip ourselves in Him. Let us be grounded in His Word, for even in the temptation of our beloved Saviour, it was the Word that was twisted and used against Him. Submit to Him, and He will give us the grace to stand for Him.

I'm polishing my armour and putting it on. Are you?

Selah

I thank the Lord for the rest that He gives.

Being away from home isn't easy. Not for me at least. There's so much that I miss...mostly my family, but yes, my family counts as MUCH! My parents are away, my Dad serving our Daddy and Mum's with C4, C4 being ultra-talented and making it to the finals of a nationwide classical ballet competition. Looking at my siblings, I know that God has blessed us.

C3 is a hard worker, she's bright...there's so much that I could envy about her. There's something about her that catches you if you take a moment to talk to her. While she may seem curt at times, there are those other moments when you look over and see her curled up with a classic read or just watching selections from BBC Series. Pride and Prejudice, Emma, Little House on the Prairie...she's really quite sophisticated although she may not see it that way. I'm not talking about being sophisticated with social status, I'm talking about a sophisticated maturity. Makes me smile when I think about it.

It's interesting. I should be distressed over the results that just came back. I should be freaking out. But I'm not. I'm asking myself, "Could this be it? Could this be the roadblock?". I said before that it's scary, I said before that it's exciting. It's really both I suppose. All about walking by faith. You'll never know where He'll take you next. To tell you the truth, I don't really know what I'm thinking about right now. I can't quite put a finger on it. Perhaps I need to get back into that secret place.

There's been talk about returning to the secret place, there have been causes to intercede for, there have been Selah moments that call for just me and Him. Thinking about it now, I don't think I really have taken the initiative to do anything about everything I've been hearing, what people have been telling me and speaking over my life. It's been "Why? When?" but never "Here I am." There are so many parallels I can think of now, so many incidences where God has been waiting for me to answer "Here I am, Daddy." Will I say it now? Today?

Imma have a date with Dad when he gets home. Maybe after Gawai. There's so much I want to ask him, so much I want to hear about. I thank God that he was called to the mission field.

"Here I am, Daddy. Use me as You please"