The March of the Invasion.

It's been a month since I last wrote and I thank the Lord for prayers answered. (Whoops. This was supposed to be published a few days ago. And I forgot about it. Still. Better late than never.)

I was at the Kingdom Invasion conference earlier this month and well, God's been so good. Allow me to ramble. Insecurities - an issue every musician struggles with constantly, especially if one is pursuing it at this level and surrounded by many who are better than said person (yes, you hardly ever look at those on par with yourself. It's almost always a comparison with the big boys)...sighs. Even now, as I write, there is someone else in the room playing an exercise so fluently...and I am struggling with that exercise.

Often times, playing music in a more demanding setting becomes a hazard to those who serve with the music/worship ministry (ie. me). Rather than letting my playing be an expression of worship to Him, I become so conscious of the technical details, the perfection that is demanded of me outside 'me and Him' time, and then I fall into that trap of feeling insecure and completely unworthy of playing before Him. And I let that affect my everyday playing as well.

Day Two of the conference, that's when it happened. I was backstage after serving for the morning session and S came and sat down next to me. We were just having a conversation when I just blurted out how I felt. To my complete surprise, he turned to me and said "I know exactly how you feel". He went on to relate a dream that one of his lecturers had shared with his class once upon a time.

There was a big concert organised in honour of the King. There were millions of people watching. Performer #1 made his grand entrance. He was a professional, a world renown musician. He performed and when he was done, the audience burst into thunderous applause. Performer #2 was no less, and again, when he was done, the audience erupted in cheers and applause. There were still remnants of the applause when the third performer stepped onstage. The hall fell silent.

A little boy in dirty clothes, tattered and mended over countless times, stood centrestage. Lifting the mic to his lips, he began to sing. There was nothing spectacular about this little boy. He sang off-key, mixed up some of the lyrics even. When he sang his last note, its echo could be heard. Not one person clapped. The little boy looked down, dejected and discouraged. But then the King stood up and started clapping. He picked the little boy up and said, "Son, I love it when you sing to me".

What I learnt from this is that God loves our simplicity. He loves what is offered to Him from a sincere and genuine heart. It's difficult to type this because I'm tearing up. Just like S told me he felt like doing when he shared this with me. It was when S was sharing with me that the tears welled up and began flowing. They refused to stop. I shared about Jireh and when I was done, he was just staring at me, baffled, and he asked, "With that assurance of how much He loves you, how could you POSSIBLY feel insecure and unworthy??" The waterworks continued pretty much from then till the end of the conference. He shared one of his testimonies with me after I shared about Jireh and myself, and that evening, interestingly, Ps. Bill Johnson spoke on the power of testimony. How cool is God's sense of humour?

Food for thought. When we serve God in the little that we have, as long as it's from a genuine and sincere heart, God loves it. God loves us. And with a love like that...really...think about it. With a love like that, how could you - or me rather - feel inadequate and insecure?

So that is my testimony, my point of breakthrough. That was the point where I said, "Okay, Lord." For if He chooses to bestow His gifts upon me, He has made me worthy of them and He loves it when I use what He has given to me to glorify His name.

Tribute to Mr. Bach.

I thank God for this man...an amazing composer who wrote some very beautiful music.

I'm not going to bore you with a whole history, but Johann Sebastian Bach composed mainly for the church. He gave glory to God on each of his manuscripts :)

Here's a little something for your entertainment!

Halfway Through!

I thank God that He has carried me through this season of my life...and that He is faithful and will continue to carry me to the end.

It's been four months since my last blog post, so my apologies to those who have been coming here only to find nothing new.

Halfway through. That I am. Well, it's more like seven twelfths of the way to the end of this chapter and the beginning of a new one. Yes. Soon I will be at the forked road of continuing with the books or as some say, out of the pan and into the fire.

I will be baking a banana meringue pie come Tuesday. Yes, I have been baking more frequently. I think I'm just going to let this be a Delighfully Yours post. Here are some photos. 

Oreo Cheesecake.

Crossiants, vanilla ice-cream and strawberries.

Pretty peach galette :)

Cookie pile!

My coping mechanism. I am most definitely making the peach galette again. I loved every bite I had! Have to make some improvements though. So for a start, I will be trying a different recipe for the banana meringue pie. I need to organise my thoughts and come back to write a proper entry.

Hmm. I need to bring some of my other CDs over here. The jazzed Bach, for instance. Till the next post! (That hopefully will not be too long from now...) Oh, and on a side note, I would like to walk down my wedding aisle to Bach's Air on a G String.

Stuff#05 - Why I Believe

Today, I thank God for a very special person He's placed in my life at a crucial time. Blessed Womb Emancipation Day, Abg.

Little might Said Person know, but there have been many times where, since I took flight, that I've just felt so alone...and just looking at SP's life has been such an encouragement. I see SP as a role model, someone to look up to, and someone I can rely on. Having SP around during those times when I feel down and disappointed in myself...and when being alone is what I want but know that I especially shouldn't...and all the other times as well...SP's been such a blessing and I don't know any other way to put it.

There have been the jamming times...and the laughs and serious conversation...SP's made me feel like a kid and an adult in just a matter of seconds. I will never forget that gig-turned-shopping-expedition. It's called quality time :)

I was given the opportunity to bake for this special occasion, and thoroughly enjoyed my time in the kitchen. Baking for the people I love - that's a pleasure. Being able to pray for them as I bake, knowing that I'm investing my time as an expression of appreciation for the role they play in my life. Sometimes it's really all I can afford. It might not seem like much, and many times, I do wish that I had more to give.

I think one of the most important things I've learnt from SP is perseverance. Despite SP's attempts to appear nonchalant, SP is, in actuality, the perfect life example of someone who's pulled through tough times, times when one feels all alone and all that. My being here, is like a pale, pale shade next to what SP has had. I'd have to admit that sometimes, I seek SP out because I know that just spending time with SP would really make me acknowledge the minute-ness of what I'm going through.

So that's dedicated to this very special person who will be known as SP here.

On a side note, I missed last month's post...and that's because I've been on a pretty amazing roller coaster ride, that little to my knowledge had started a good six years ago. Sometimes when I look back on what happened within the span of a mere month, I'm in awe at the way He works things. Just to put it in a nutshell, I got a phone call, looked at airfares, witnessed the amazing connections God reveals when we let Him take the wheel, got stranded in a foreign land for a very scary couple of hours where it was a chicken and duck situation, heard an amazing concerto, met amazing people, experienced my first typhoon and earthquake, saw the fruition of much prayer, and literally ran to catch a connecting flight.

In short, I'm really overwhelmed by what transpired, still, and well - I don't know what He has in store for me, but I'm definitely excited. I've been seeing Him come through for so many people around me, and another big encouragement came yesterday at my college's fun day at the beach, our equivalent of a sports day, where a friend of mine who's doing an Arts Management course took part in a talent competition, and got spotted. She once shared with me how she has always wanted to be a stage performer, but she got into the Arts Management course instead. She honoured God by obeying and she's currently in her second year. She's passionate about Him and serves Him faithfully, despite being a first generation Christian whose family sometimes gives her a hard time about how much time she spends in church and all that. It was and is such an encouragement to know that I serve a God who is faithful, despite the fact that we tend to wander off.

It's not that we don't already know He's a faithful God, we do. But He likes to remind us by baffling us again and again. Just to add a personal thought, I think He enjoys watching us react to His ambiguity. I can't help thinking that it's like a drama. Haha :)

State of my Mind

I thank Him for little pieces of home.

I went for a gig earlier this week, someone from home. It was good to just see familiar faces...not that I don't see familiar faces everyday, but just familiar faces part of home. It was good to catch up and all that.

It's been a tough time of late, time seems to just whizz past without me realising. It's been a month since school reopened. I'm at that stage again where I'm just worn out. Where I'm wondering how I'm gonna make it through. The temptation of giving up and packing up oh-so-appealing.

Making decisions on my own, it's all part of growing up, I know that. But maybe I'm getting tired of fending for myself? Maybe I'm just exhausted? Maybe it's because I'm alone here? Maybe it's because I'm not working hard enough to occupy my mind with things other than homesickness? Baking therapy last night didn't really work.

I discovered that musicians are probably among to most critical among the artspeople. Today. During the elective class. We had to do a 'mini lecture'. We were given the task of 'teaching' a given topic within 10-15 minutes. And there was a peer comment session right after each group presented. Then Teddy Bear pointed out that all the comments that came from the people from our department were more often than not negative comments, compared to the comments from artspeople from the other departments. Made me think. Yes, it's essential for us to prepare ourselves as musician for harsh criticism. But subjecting others to that just because I'm a musician? That's something I have to pay extra attention to, I suppose.

Listening to this song on loop - State of my Mind - the song basically says that they way we think, the way we react - it's all a choice. "It's all in the state of my mind," one of the lines says. The last verse ends with a question, "What if I had no choice at all?" So that means the way I'm reacting to whatever's happening around me is really a subconscious choice. Call me crazy but maybe I just like the sense of longing for home. It's like a form of torture I subject myself to just because I can't let go, or don't want to.

Being away from home, people call me independent, they tell me I'm brave, they tell me I'm mature. But am I really? The truth? I'm scared. And I don't necessarily like the circumstances I'm in right now. I guess I just have to face the inevitable. It's better to start now than to have to pry myself away from home when I'm 40. Struggles and all that - they're real. I'd tell you a million times over, I'm really really scared. And lonely. And the emo-ness is setting in. It's setting in nicely, which it shouldn't.

Do I have a place to call home?

Where has my passion gone?

Will I wear myself thin and eventually snap?

Today GC said something that hit me hard. It's the rehearsals that are incredible, not the performance itself. It's the beauty of the music all coming together in the rehearsals, not the close-to-perfect performance in the concert. It's the journey that matters, not the final destination.

So this being my journey now...how am I going to make it count?

It's all in the state of my mind.

I Can't Get Over Him!!!

I thank God that He never lets me get over Him.

Here's part of today's songlist:
I Offer My Life
Saat Terindah (Times of Refreshing)
In Your Hands
You Are So Faithful
Breathing The Breath
Can't Get Over You

Today He reminded me that He is a jealous lover. Today He told me again (and He just never gets tired of telling me) that He loves me. Beyond my comprehension. Today He encouraged me and let me know yet again that He wants to carry me through the crazy periods in life - if only I'll let Him.

Yes, it's another one of those adjusting phases, homesickness hits hard, and I just wanna camp in my room and not go anywhere or be with anyone. I'm going to have to apologize to that friend of mine and well, just stop being scared of everything. This is the real world, and I have to step out and let Him guide me. Trust that He knows what's best for me. With this in mind, I'm going to get up tomorrow and just let things unfold as they will.

Oh lol. I just love the way He does things sometimes. I can't say 'I love the way He does things all the time', coz I don't really like the way He handles SOME things. I'm working on that though :) The irony. I've got my iTunes on shuffle again. Haha. Tempat Pertama. See what I said about Him being a jealous lover? He won't settle for less :P

Let the construction resume :)

Home.

I thank You for bringing me back home safely and for the time I've been able to spend here.

Hello readers. And spambots.

So. It's the end of June and I realise I have exactly two weeks left back home. Sad thing happy thing...hmm...once again, mixed emotions cloud my judgement.

In the past week I've been home, I've missed cell, missed school (believe it or not!!), taken the time to browse through the past chapters of my life....

There were the times I had in the YO together with all you wonderful wonderful people. I realise that two camps have passed since I was last there and hey, I miss you guys. Of course, Aiyo came over to visit Kuching and I spent a day with her and we just took some time to catch up and...well, talk about nothing, I guess. Haha. Then there's Kinya with whom I've been in contact with via text. Such a wonderful fella. V, C and W...there's not much to say I guess other than I miss playing with you guys. A lot. And the other C who calls me the Cheeky Monkey...well, the time I had with you was short yet meaningful. We'll be sure to hang out if I'm in town, kay? And A. LOL. A, D and H. All they need is another D. Haha. Great bunch of guys who never fail to show up and make us all LOL. Of course there was C's best buddy, Plants vs. Zombies...and anyone else I missed out? Oh, Aiyo's dearest. Of course. He comes to hang out and stuff when I'm in their vicinity, and together with Aiyo, they're ever so hospitable each time I visit Penang. I stay with Aiyo and then they take me around and feed me. Haha.

Together with all my couriered documents from the YO's admin for YO purposes, there was the one-time SIR thing. Where Strawberry, Ally, the Cap and I went and well...haha. That's for us to know. Lol. But it was good just being reminded of the one time we did that. Ally made it the furthest and her fall was Propinquity. And look where she is today - with her human flips and stuff. Go go Judo girl!!!

The next envelope was a big official one from WSDC. I reached in and took out the contents and began flipping through. First was the speaker rankings from WSDC 2009...and then I started flipping through the adjudication sheets. Which was interesting. I should pull up my notes from then...from my thick file and start reading through them, replaying the arguments in my head. Then I stumbled across the one case where I lost it and went nuts. I can now look back and laugh. *looks over shoulder and LsOL* And I had a chance to relive moments of the 2009 event with two fellow participants. And we had a good laugh at one of them in particular, ever the victim...or so it seems...but what is it they say, that things are never what they seem...
Then came WSDC 2010 and I looked at the speaker rankings and just had to smile to myself. Haha. Flipping through the adjudication sheets brought a smile to my face, recalling little things and comments made throughout the event. I must say that I am quite pleased with the way things turned out said year for the particular event.

Penguin, Sher, All, Lv and I met up in the Spring on Sunday to celebrate Penguin's birthday. I got her this compilation of guitar stuff. 4 CDs. Good deal. The Spring's Speedy has a basket and all the CDs in said basket are priced at RM9.90. Some very good stuff but I must not spend. No no. Jireh comes first. So the five of us had lunch and cake and a chance to catch up and have a good laugh. It was really good, seeing all of them. And of course, we bumped into Chinny in MPH. Which was also good. Haha.

Nihplod and I met up with Commando B just the following afternoon and we had tea in a coffee place while Commando B had an ice blended, something he told us he couldn't have. Bad Gramps.

I'm looking forward to more meet-ups with good friends...and of course, the baking tomorrow.

Spending time with Mummy and the rest of the family has of course been awesome, all the conversation and the interesting things that happen. I think being home this time has really brought more things to light with regards to my family and well, education in general. Seeing how God is blessing my parents and opening different doors for them and realising the extent they go to so that we are able to get the most out of what we have...I would have to borrow someone else's words here...words just can't express what I feel with that realisation. I suppose we've always known...but this time, it's just hit me harder than it has before.

I'd like to thank God for His providence, and of course for Daddy Dearest who pushes and reminds my siblings and I to do things...because hey, we all know that he only does it with our best in mind. I thank the school's SP as well. Looking at the opportunities that have come up in the past year for me...it's just pretty amazing, and I'm looking forward to a lot more. Faithfulness is the key, and I can never be reminded enough times.

Teddy Bear's a good friend. May Ed RIP.